Today is April 15. Normally that signals a rant about the atrocious state of our tax code from this corner of the internet.

Typically I tell you how the aforementioned code perpetually erodes my sanity and chips away at my soul.  How it causes me to question why I continue with my business.  How it stokes my desire to live the life of a hermit deep in the woods, where trees get to be trees instead of paper spewed from the mouth of a three-headed bureaucratic monster.

When you own a small business it’s always tax season, yet April 15 still holds special significance. But you know what?  While today is April 15, it’s also Sunday.

Not a single NP-5, LS-1, 1040-ES, PA40-ESR, W-2, K-1, W-3, 1099, 1096, 1065, RCT-101, PA-65, UC-2A, UC-2, ET-1, WTE-3, WT-1, 940, 1040, 941, PA-40, PGH-40, RK-1, I-9, W-9, W-4, NRK-1, PA-65M, or 1125A is due.

In celebration, I present you with a list of my favorite things thus far discovered in 2012.  If only these were the mandatory parts of my life instead of tax compliance!

~ Stephen Potter.  This lesser known British humorist is seriously hilarious.  Seriously.  Find a copy of “The Complete Upmanship” and be very amused.
~Denise Minger and her blog, rawfoodsos.com.  Denise composes among the most thorough, well-researched, friendly, and funny writing about nutrition you can ever hope to read, no matter your dietary habits.
~Meatpaper. “We like metaphors more than marinating tips. We are your journal of meat culture.”  That, my friends, is all you need to know.
~Fun.  I learned about this band thanks to an episode of Glee.  I only wish I was hip(ster) enough to say otherwise.  Fun, indeed.
~The New York Rangers winning. A rarity in the world of sports.  Let me have my moment, Pens fans.  My Rangers roots run deep.  Surely a Stanley Cup for the second time in over 70 years is not too much to ask.
~Correct running form.  I read the book “Born to Run” and it all made sense.  And I don’t even like running.  Are you aware that some people out there are capable of winning a foot-race with a horse??
~JAPADOG.  Merges the culture of two of my favorite countries (Canada and Japan) with one of my favorite foods.  Now with a location on St. Mark’s Place in New York’s East Village.  If the beef was grass-fed I’d quit right now.

It’s a great feeling when you think you have something on your to do list only to discover that someone else has already completed your task for you. Especially when that someone else has done a better job than you likely would have.

Thanks to Mark’s Daily Apple and guest author Denise Minger, that’s the happy reality I just experienced. For those of you who have bought into the latest red meat scare do yourself a favor and follow this link.

For those of you who want to cut to the chase, know this. Collectively our society has bastardized the vast majority of the red meat we consume and now we use that very same meat (as well as any and all other red meat) as a scapegoat for our health problems. This is a disturbingly stupid thought process.

It’s as if I were to take my favorite album, intentionally damage it, and then blame the band that recorded it for the resulting poor sound quality. Then, depending on my personality, I either continue to listen to the damaged recording while complaining that it harms my ears or assume that all bands are bad and refuse to listen to any music ever again. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the relationship the collective American conscience has with red meat and it makes no sense! If ever there was a time to understand why Franktuary offers grass-fed beef, this is it.

And more than 70 pages later I think I’ve completed both state and federal tax returns for my business. Every year when I get to this point I wonder why I’m not e-filing. The answer is simple. I don’t know how to e-file without paying a fee. Maybe I’m missing something…

Anyway, the idea of today’s post is to move away from a focus on inane form filing and shift back to things that actually help my business be productive. Imagine that.

To that end, truck season is almost here. Look for the truck to be out and about more and more as the weather warms up. We’ll be starting a series of standing lunch routes on March 13. Just keep an eye on our truck page to stay in the loop!

For 2011 returns, the IRS has taken a portion of what once appeared in an existing form called 1065 (which Franktuary must file) and made it a new sub-form called 1125-A.  The content of form 1125-A appears to be identical to what used to be a part of form 1065.  Furthermore, the accompanying instructions make a point of telling its readers that:

“The time needed to complete and file this form will vary depending on individual circumstances. The estimated average time is: Recordkeeping . . . 4 hrs., 18 mins.  Learning about the law or the form . . . 1 hr., 33 mins.  Preparing and sending the form to the IRS . . . . . 2 hrs., 53 mins.  If you have comments concerning the  accuracy of these time estimates or suggestions for making this form simpler, we would be happy to hear from you. See the instructions for the tax return with which this form is filed.”

Apparently I should expect that it will take me a total of 8 hours and 44 minutes to do everything necessary to properly file form 1125-A.  How many government resources went into making this estimate, anyway?  If the IRS is going to make a to-the-minute prediction, why is it prefacing its prediction with a disclaimer about how individual completion time will vary?  Is it company policy to include meaningless instructions with every useless form created?  Is this a joke?  Here’s a suggestion for making form 1125-A simpler: eliminate it.

Also, this year the city of Pittsburgh has declared that it “will no longer accept computer printouts of W-2 information.”  However, if you are an employer who needs to report W-2 information, the city will gladly accept an ASCII text file on CD-ROM or a floppy diskette.  Maybe next year the city will further modernize and begin accepting W-2s via laser disc, punch card, and the 5.5 inch floppy disk.  Sometime around 2065 I expect email submission to be rolled out.

Oh.  I forgot.  If you have fewer than 250 employees you can find original hard copies of form W-2 and fill them out by hand.  Nothing tells you the city you live in values your time like being made to copy information from a computer printout your online payroll service has generated, just so you can comply with an arcane and archaic set of requirements that make absolutely no sense.

To review:

1) The year is 2012 and the city of Pittsburgh will accept form W-2 in all of the following formats except:
A) CD-ROM
B) Burst and collated hard copy (less than 250 employees)
C) 3.5 inch floppy diskette
D) Internet submission or computer printout

2) When the process of filing form 1125-A is considered as a whole, the IRS fails to include which of the following steps in its estimation of how long it will take:
A) Recordkeeping
B) Learning about the law or the form
C) Entering a prolonged state of trance-like astonishment while attempting to grasp IRS logic
D) Preparing and sending the form to the IRS

While I’m not sure what any specific individual’s “fair-share” is, I am certain that if you measure it in terms of wasted time, aggravation, and money spent on third-party tax preparers, the powers that be owe the American people a huge refund.

Our Christmas break has extended one day beyond what was planned due to employee illness.  We apologize for any inconvenience this creates.  Please enjoy the remainder of the holiday season and make plans to visit us soon!  We anticipate reopening for business on December 28th.

It’s a semi-known fact that yours truly tutors the SAT for a major test prep company to supplement his income.  I’ve got nothing negative to say about the experience, but lately I’ve developed this strange problem.  I can’t write more than three complete sentences without reverting to a multiple choice format.  I can’t contr…

1) At a certain restaurant 1/3 of the diners paid for their meals in cash, 1/2 paid with a credit card, and the remaining 16 washed dishes in exchange for their food. If the person to your right is eating red meat, you think to yourself:
A) How unhealthy; I’m a vegetarian!
B) How deplorable; I’m a vegan!
C) How delicious; Can I have some?
D) How compelling; Is that beef grass-fed?
E) 96

2) This website as a whole suggests that the management of Franktuary believes raw milk to be:
A) A dangerous substance that should be banned in Pennsylvania
B) Essential to the underground Amish economy
C) Vital for healthy digestive flora
D) Ideal for cheese making
E) Far less scary, yet far less subsidized than HFCS

Seriously, if you know a high schooler in need of help with his test prep, you should talk to me.  It just so happens that in addition to my post as a tutor I’m also the Community Relationship Developer for Kaplan’s pre-college programs in western Pennsylvania.  Shoot an email to tim.tobitsch@kaplan.com.

Yours truly has just booked a research trip via the MegaBus over MLK weekend. It’s time to try some authentic poutine from the source. Quebec, here I come!

For love of squeaky curds and the exploration of gravies,
Franktuary

Happy Thanksgiving, folks!  We’re closed today and won’t be open again until Monday.

We’re also getting rid of our phone line at the end of the month.  We no longer need a phone line to accept credit cards and the majority of calls we receive are aggravating solicitations that occur while we’re in the middle of our work day.  So, if you’re among the people who actually use our phone number in an attempt to support our business, please accept my apologies for the inconvenience we may be creating for you.

We still want your business and ask that you direct future inquiries to emailus-at-franktuary-dot-com.  If you have a serious interest in Franktuary I’d be happy to pass along my mobile number after reading your email.  Thanks in advance for your future business and understanding our need to curtail junk messages in whatever form they may occur!

It’s November, and that means you can raise money for men’s health at Franktuary!

The Movember movement has been encouraging men to grow a moustache during the month of November for the last 7 years, raising over $7.5 million for men’s health and cancer prevention research. Movember partners with the Prostate Cancer Foundation and LiveStrong, the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

Can you help? YES! Do you have to grow that stache yourself? NO!

- Donate at Franktuary. Movember donation box located near the register.
- Buy a moustache. Furry staches come in three easy-to-adhere styles and wax staches come in grape flavor. Tape or chew your way to a decorated face! All proceeds benefit Movember.
- Wear a moustache. Men and women alike, flash your stache at the register and we’ll donate 10% of your purchase total to Movember.

Grow it and show it!

On Saturday October 29 Clarion River Organics and Chef Justin Severino are teaming up to host a 5-course barn dinner. Additional information can be found on Farm to Table Pittsburgh’s Facebook Page.

Just in case delectable local and organic cuisine prepared by one of our region’s most gifted chefs and presented in a unique setting that intimately connects the diner to his food doesn’t provide sufficient incentive to attend, know that proceeds from this dinner will go toward subsidizing CSA shares of low income families.

Nonetheless, earlier today one friend told me he couldn’t make it because “all the Halloween parties are on that night.”  Really?  There are people out there who actually think this way?

Trust me, this is way better than any Halloween party you’re thinking about attending on the 29th.  For starters, a sumptuous natural 5-course harvest dinner clearly trumps a holiday that in its current form primarily exists to promote excessive consumption of highly processed sugars.  Second, everyone knows the coolest Halloween parties are actually held on Halloween, even when that means partying on a Monday night!  Third, while I acknowledge that dressing up can be fun, I’m sure you can wear a costume to this dinner if you’d like.  Lastly, a harvest dinner and Halloween each in their own way celebrate the life cycle, specifically the end of that cycle, or death.  I’ll take the way the former views and celebrates this topic over the latter any day of the week.

Okay, so all the logic in the above paragraph isn’t changing your mind?  Let’s level with one another.  The real reason you likely don’t want to miss your Halloween party is that it’s an excuse for you to be both drunk and socially acceptable simultaneously.  Did I mention there are local spirits featured at this dinner??  And dinner is at 5:30!  What kind of self-styled socialite can’t attend a dinner at 5:30 and also make the Halloween party rounds???

So, what are you waiting for?  Sign up and join me at the table!  While I’ve never attended a barn dinner before,  the reports I’ve heard from people who have are nothing short of glowing.