Today I learned that my cat has an autoimmune disorder that causes her cornea to be inflamed. Now she has to have a topical steroid applied twice a day, with remission of her symptoms as the goal. About a month ago I learned that I have an autoimmune disorder that is causing my cornea to be inflamed. For months I have been using a topical steroid multiple times a day, with remission of my symptoms as the goal.

If this doesn’t convince you that pets and their owners share similar traits I don’t know what will!

So, how have you been, folks? I’m feeling rather stiff today, but other than that I’m just swell.

Tomorrow my two cats are going to the vet. They’re not so into that.

Here’s something to dilly-dally away your weekend.

It’s time for lunch!

I have a cat named Magdalena. She’s a smart one in that she understands that my alarm clock is what wakes me up. Every morning, about an hour and a half before I intend to get up, she finds her way to my alarm clock and begins massaging it and/or chewing on the power cord with the hope that she will somehow trigger my alarm. She does this because she wants breakfast. I’m pretty sure that one of these days she’s going to figure out how to set my alarm. If she ends up successful I think she’s earned an early breakfast, don’t you?

Speaking of breakfast, I’d like to remind you that we serve it every weekday from 8:30 am until 11 am. Take it from Magdalena, breakfast served by me is worth waking me up for.

Vote Franktuary as Pittsburgh’s favorite frank!

On Monday morning I stared Destiny in the face and a single tear drop fell from Her eye. I’m serious. Destiny is my cat, and I capitalized “her” to be tricky. It was pretty strange, if not poetic, and definitely highly appropriate given a sequence of events that has occurred this week.

The latter of those events revolves around the fact that somehow the New Jersey Devils are the Atlantic Division Champions, and the New York Rangers, who never trailed the Devils until last night, now sit sixth in the Eastern Conference. The good news is the playoffs start Saturday and the good guys face-off against the bad guys in the first round. I’ll be doing everything I can to keep Destiny smiling!

It’s time for a hot dog. Now THAT’S a good idea.

I’m wearing Christmas clothes today. They’re very nice. If you’re someone like me, who doesn’t really buy clothing, it’s a particularly strange thing. I don’t feel like myself. I should be in a catalog. A catalog where there are beautiful people with unstained clothing. I think I’d rather be in a hot dog shoppe, but maybe I can keep those stains away for at least a little while.

So, how was Christmas? Well, it involved a lot of driving and even more eating. I drove to New Jersey and ate spare ribs. Then I drove across town and ate in a very nice restaruant. Then I went to a Christmas Eve service. Then my car broke down in a big way. In fact, it’s still in New Jersey.

Lack of personally owned vehicle, however, did not stop the eating or the driving. Oh no. On Christmas day my family drove to my grandmother’s house. You know what they say about food and a grandmother’s house. From there we drove to a friend’s 30th birthday party, where we encountered massive amounts of Greek food piled about a nicely furnished home.

Then it was very late. I tried to sleep in a room with some kittens, one of whom continually had seizures throughout the night. I moved to a couch. The kitten is, as of now, still okay.

Then I drove back to Pittsburgh in my mother’s car and ate leftovers immediately upon my arrival.

Over the last 24 hours it’s been a good idea for me to take deep breaths, if you get my draft. Nothing really bad has happened to Hot D***a, but the world is sure spinning fast around us.

Some of you may know this, some of you may not, and some of you probably will find this highly controversial. On a fairly regular basis I visit a strip club. It’s not what you think, though. A customer of mine happens to be a stripper and I make frequent fruit shake deliveries to the hotel lobby attached to the club. She’s a nice person and even strippers need to eat, you know.

So, anyway, I was learning to play chess yesterday. This other customer of mine, who looks younger than me (think Asian Doogie Howser), but is apparently a doctor was teaching me how to play. If you’re wondering, I’m not very good at chess. I think I’ve learned how to play at least six times. Despite that fact, I just kind of make a move and see what happens. It’s great fun to be cavalier when losing has no real consequence!

As our game transpires, the phone rings and it’s delivery time. My young-chess-teacher-doctor-friend is very intrigued with where I have to go and asks if he can make the delivery. This actually is a great help to me as there are other customers in the store and, seriously, I think he HAS to be at least three years my elder. I explain everything to him, and let him go. I hope I haven’t corrupted him for life. Truthfully, that club is a dark and dreary place. Taking a trip there is, in my opinion, quite sobering.

Then today happened. Wow. We have this other customer named Norma. Norma, for some reason thinks that we specialize in gazpacho. When she sees our sign she must misread it as “hot gazpachoma.” I think this because we once catered her 60th birthday and she requested that we prepare gazpacho to be served hot. As far as I know, a big part of what makes gazpacho, well gazpacho, is that it’s served chilled.

So, by now you might have guessed we don’t have what it takes to make gazpacho on hand at Hot D***a. Nonetheless, Norma called the store at 11:30 last night requesting that we have gazpacho and some other very much miscellaneous items prepared for twelve and delivered to her home, in Squirrel Hill, today at 5:00 pm.

I ride my bike to work, and Megan takes the bus. We’re our only employees and we don’t close until 5 pm. Well, with the help of some friends we were able to make her order happen. Let me tell you, if Hot D***a had no friends, we would not exist today. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate Norma’s business, but whenever she interacts with us it guarantees an adventure for the day. No matter what else happens.

Needless to say, other things occurred today.

1) I discovered an old wheat penny from 1930 worth $25. I have subsequently misplaced it.
2) A very nice banker we just started doing business with informed us that he was fired on Friday, three days after he parted ways with his fiancee.
3) A man, whose Santa suit failed to be delivered, borrowed our hot dog suit to take pictures with children. As he did that, he collected $280 in donations for some charity and handed out many of our business cards and menus. When he returned the suit he wanted to buy a sweatshirt from us, but we didn’t have a large enough size for him. He said he was “hoping to expand over Christmas.”
4) KDKA TV called us, and the entire ownership of Hot D***a is scheduled to be on “Pittsburgh Today Live” on January 3.
5) A crazy homeless man I’ve mentioned in this blog previously, and who had been MIA for approximately six weeks, had someone help him reclaim his stolen identity. He’s receiving his social security check once again. His photo ID is something else.
6) There were meowing cats performing Christmas carols several times throughout the day on the radio. Literally.
7) Around 1:30 pm a woman we know came in with a “roll away piano.” It’s a synthesizer that folds like a t-shirt. In the midst of several other things I’ve already mentioned unfolding she unfolded her piano on our counter and began performing a “live Christmas card” for us. It, too, was something else.

As you can imagine our ambience was quite delightful today, and I’m pleased to report that no one passed out on the floor! Where else but Hot D***a can you get this stuff? You’ve got to come down and see what you’re missing!

Well guys, I’m 24 and I’ve realized I’m living the stuff of legends. What am I talking about? My quintessential bachelor lifestyle, of course. Let me give you a snapshot…

I’ve spent about $15 on groceries this month. In fact, I’ve spent more money on food for my cats than I have on groceries this month. I do eat out from time to time, but even factoring that in I think I still might be spending more on my cats. Of course, I’m working at an advantage over the typical bachelor since I own a restaurant and sometimes there are leftovers to take home.

Anyway, on Saturday I ate one meal all day, at about 5 pm, before heading off to a second job I have. That meal consisted of five hot dogs, left over from a vending gig the previous weekend, and some goldfish (the cracker variety). Like most of the meals I eat by myself, I don’t actually sit down or find use for a plate. I boiled these dogs, and once they were done, went fishing in the pot with a fork. I’d stab a dog, squeeze some yellow mustard on it, and eat it right off the fork -completely bunless- and then repeat. To finish my meal I drank water out of a tupperware container because my roommates, who don’t believe in regularly washing glasses, had all left for the weekend and I couldn’t find a clean drinking vessel.

Once finished (I washed my pot, tupperware, and fork), I skated over to Mellon Arena for work. In a twisted sense, there’s something glorious about the sequence I’ve just described to you- as long as it doesn’t last forever.