A customer of mine happens to resemble a full-grown garden gnome. I’ve mentioned him before; his name is John F. Hall and he’s homeless. He’s quite crazy, literally, but he’s also one of the most generous people I’ve ever run across. From his perspective he’s come into a bit of money lately as he’s recently regained his stolen identity and is now receiving a social security check.

For months now he’s been buying packages of buns to feed the “dipsy-doodles,” or birds as you and I might call them. “That’s pretty great,” you might be thinking, “but c’mon, Tim, lots of dirty homeless people like to be one with the pigeons.”

Well, that may be the case, but John also routinely buys food for children and other street people. Lately, though, he’s outdone himself. He’s taken to purchasing rolls of quarters and feeding all the parking meters outside my store so that no one gets a parking ticket. He does this despite the fact that he’s never owned a car of his own in his life.

I have no doubt that some of the cars John spares from an unwanted windshield garnish belong to the very same folks that are disgusted by his appearance and want him to be somewhere –anywhere– far away from them.

I also have no doubt that every person I’ve ever met would benefit from taking the time to get to know someone like John.

Behave yourself.

Yesterday was not what I expected. I thought I was going to spend the evening finishing up some paperwork. Instead I cavorted around Pittsburgh with a British journalist who is traveling through the states, with no particular schedule. His purpose is to meet interesting people and then to write about them in a regular column for the UK Metro.

I met him when he happened into Hot D***a seeking free wireless internet. He needed some help with his computer, one thing led to another, and he wound up spending the evening with my friends and I as well as staying over at my apartment. He’s at the very beginning of his three month odyssey, and his columns will begin appearing in his paper sometime next week. I think it might be best if I wait for him to give you a synopsis of our evening, rather than writing about it myself right now. I’ll post the link in this very space as soon as it exists!

And because of this week’s omission, expect a double-dose of the Senile Journey next week, as the exciting adventure draws to a close.

This afternoon a slightly disheveled gentleman exhanged five dollars in change, mostly quarters, for a $5 bill. We at Hot D***a can always use quarters because the parking meters outside our store only accept the little buggers. One quarter gets you a bountiful 7.5 minutes of legal parking. Needless to say quarters are in high demand downtown.

Furthermore, most retail establishments downtown refuse to trade their quarters for $1 bills. They also tend not to let people with shoddy outward appearances into their venue for any reason. Of course, no one has ever claimed Hot D***a to be typical. So, as you might guess, we do even currency exchanges with anyone who requests such a transaction, whenever possible.

It’s an urban ecosystem in action! The wealthy people of Pittsburgh give the homeless downtowners their spare change. The spare change comes to Hot D***a in exchange for a larger bill. The wealthy people realize they need to park, but have no change. They come into Hot D***a and exchange a larger bill for a combination of smaller notes and four quarters. Some of those four quarters are quite possibly the very same quarters they dropped in a cup the last time they were downtown.

Logically, then, Hot D***a is the economic linchpin of downtown Pittsburgh, and arguably the very hub around which the wheel of commerce in western Pennsylvania revolves. 135.:)

There is this phenomenon. This phenomenon where women, particularly middle-aged women, will walk into Hot D***a and demand one or two potato chips.

They have no intention of paying for said chips, but usually they do order something else. They speak as if it is their God-given right to consume the potato chips I sell to everyone else for free. They act as if it would be unfathomable for me not to understand. “Just a taste,” they’ll say, “I’m serious.” Sometimes they’ll attempt to reach over the counter and help themselves.

Whenever this happens, maybe once every two months, I’m caught by surprise. I want to announce that Americans in general have serious issues with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and that by making such an ultimatum to me they’re only adding fuel to an already raging fire, but instead I tend to quietly oblige. It’s not that I mind giving away a couple free potato chips every now and then, it’s just that I think it’s really strange that this occurence has happened on a consistent basis over the past 18 months. It seems like the world should know.

More than anything I think this speaks to deep psychological food issues all or most women must have. I won’t pretend I begin to understand.

In response to this situation I’m considering offering a “Women’s Menu.”

Bites of Hot Dog: 50 cents
Single Potato Chips: 7 cents (Two for a dime!)
Sips of Soda: 5 cents
Guilt: Free

Some days I wonder about that group we call the fairer sex.

So, it turns out the sniper I mentioned yesterday was only doing his job. He’d been shooting pigeons with a pellet gun for years. Why? Because that’s what his boss told him to do. The difference this time was that someone mistook the pellet gun for a high powered rifle and called 911 while the purported sniper was heading toward the roof. There will be no charges against the man with the pellet gun, but as for his boss… I’d imagine he’s in trouble.

Gosh, you should come to Hot D***a and have some ice cream. We’ve got lots.

Reports of a sniper in downtown Pittsburgh have been circulating this afternoon. Thankfully, it appears that said reports were only false alarms. Apparently a man with a pellet gun was on top of a downtown building shooting pigeons. Until moments ago no one knew those latter details. In fact, the word on the street was that three people had been shot with a high-powered rifle by a camouflaged man staked out on the top of a skyscraper in the Cultural District. Word out of the news studios was that children attending schools downtown would not be permitted to leave until the SWAT team had resolved the situation.

All that’s changed now. Streets are starting to reopen. Let’s hope this is behind us with no one hurt!

Once I ate 137 cherries without spitting out or swallowing any of the pits. Pits aren’t far from pellets. Anyway, see if you can top that! Once I also ate 12 hotdogs in less than 45 minutes, then immediately walked more than a mile quite briskly, and proceeded to view a musical without vomiting. I don’t recommend trying to top that, but should you attempt such a thing let me know how you fare! I suspect some of you might have trouble stomaching a musical on an empty and sedentary stomach(e).

Here’s Part 5 of The Senile Journey. You thought I forgot, didn’t you?

Over the last 24 hours it’s been a good idea for me to take deep breaths, if you get my draft. Nothing really bad has happened to Hot D***a, but the world is sure spinning fast around us.

Some of you may know this, some of you may not, and some of you probably will find this highly controversial. On a fairly regular basis I visit a strip club. It’s not what you think, though. A customer of mine happens to be a stripper and I make frequent fruit shake deliveries to the hotel lobby attached to the club. She’s a nice person and even strippers need to eat, you know.

So, anyway, I was learning to play chess yesterday. This other customer of mine, who looks younger than me (think Asian Doogie Howser), but is apparently a doctor was teaching me how to play. If you’re wondering, I’m not very good at chess. I think I’ve learned how to play at least six times. Despite that fact, I just kind of make a move and see what happens. It’s great fun to be cavalier when losing has no real consequence!

As our game transpires, the phone rings and it’s delivery time. My young-chess-teacher-doctor-friend is very intrigued with where I have to go and asks if he can make the delivery. This actually is a great help to me as there are other customers in the store and, seriously, I think he HAS to be at least three years my elder. I explain everything to him, and let him go. I hope I haven’t corrupted him for life. Truthfully, that club is a dark and dreary place. Taking a trip there is, in my opinion, quite sobering.

Then today happened. Wow. We have this other customer named Norma. Norma, for some reason thinks that we specialize in gazpacho. When she sees our sign she must misread it as “hot gazpachoma.” I think this because we once catered her 60th birthday and she requested that we prepare gazpacho to be served hot. As far as I know, a big part of what makes gazpacho, well gazpacho, is that it’s served chilled.

So, by now you might have guessed we don’t have what it takes to make gazpacho on hand at Hot D***a. Nonetheless, Norma called the store at 11:30 last night requesting that we have gazpacho and some other very much miscellaneous items prepared for twelve and delivered to her home, in Squirrel Hill, today at 5:00 pm.

I ride my bike to work, and Megan takes the bus. We’re our only employees and we don’t close until 5 pm. Well, with the help of some friends we were able to make her order happen. Let me tell you, if Hot D***a had no friends, we would not exist today. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate Norma’s business, but whenever she interacts with us it guarantees an adventure for the day. No matter what else happens.

Needless to say, other things occurred today.

1) I discovered an old wheat penny from 1930 worth $25. I have subsequently misplaced it.
2) A very nice banker we just started doing business with informed us that he was fired on Friday, three days after he parted ways with his fiancee.
3) A man, whose Santa suit failed to be delivered, borrowed our hot dog suit to take pictures with children. As he did that, he collected $280 in donations for some charity and handed out many of our business cards and menus. When he returned the suit he wanted to buy a sweatshirt from us, but we didn’t have a large enough size for him. He said he was “hoping to expand over Christmas.”
4) KDKA TV called us, and the entire ownership of Hot D***a is scheduled to be on “Pittsburgh Today Live” on January 3.
5) A crazy homeless man I’ve mentioned in this blog previously, and who had been MIA for approximately six weeks, had someone help him reclaim his stolen identity. He’s receiving his social security check once again. His photo ID is something else.
6) There were meowing cats performing Christmas carols several times throughout the day on the radio. Literally.
7) Around 1:30 pm a woman we know came in with a “roll away piano.” It’s a synthesizer that folds like a t-shirt. In the midst of several other things I’ve already mentioned unfolding she unfolded her piano on our counter and began performing a “live Christmas card” for us. It, too, was something else.

As you can imagine our ambience was quite delightful today, and I’m pleased to report that no one passed out on the floor! Where else but Hot D***a can you get this stuff? You’ve got to come down and see what you’re missing!

I called that number today. That’s because a drunk man bought a hot dog and moments later collapsed on the floor, knocking several chairs over in the process. Now he’s slumped over sitting in a chair. That’s better than lying on the floor. I’ve told him someone is coming to get him, and I don’t know what else to do for him. His head is bruised, probably because he falls on it a lot. Gosh, what do you do?

In other news, around 9:00 last night, I was driving on Rural Street when a pedestrian approached me for money at a red light. The thing is, I was wearing my bathrobe. I told him so, and that definitely threw him off his spiel. No change in that outfit! It’s a crazy world, eh?

Hiya folks.

Today will be a guest lecture from yours truly, Keith Pozzuto.

I am famous. I am important. I am poor. I am in HOTD***A right now eating a scruptious vegie dog becuase my cholestorol is 387. I am living vicariously through a high school student who just met the rocketts. He is my HEROFACTOR.

Sitting in HOTD***A after the rush of becoming an instant celebrity, Vinny my dog is just lapping up the success of his first internation television experience. I am trying to calm him down. He simply is loving the idea of eating Boars Head franks and drinking berrylicoius shakes.

My dog likes to poop, poop in my house, poop in my living room. For all you out there with animals please listen up, put your dog in a diaper. My dog is in my house without a diaper and he is probably pooping in the living room as i speak. I can’t stand poop.

I love you guys and remember to keep coming to H to the D***A.

PEACE OUT

KEITH

It’s Halloween and Faithful Frank will be making an appearance at the Starbucks in Squirrel Hill this evening to see two of his good friends showcase their musical talents. Please consider joining him tonight at Starbucks, and sometime this week at Hot D***a!