“Hey, big guy, would you like an apple?” That’s what someone said to me while I was sitting in a bathroom stall today. Not every day that happens. Nope, certainly not. After hearing that statement and assuming it was intended for someone else I looked down to see a hand stretched under my stall clutching a Macintosh (4152).

As much as I like to eat, I told my toilet-buddy that I was okay without his apple. Maybe that was a mistake, because it’s quarter after two right now and I’m pretty hungry. Yesterday I had chocolate icing for dinner. I think I might have a salad soon.

Tomorrow, after a very long hiatus, I will bring you the exciting conclusion of the six-part-blog-entry-true-story-mini-drama, “The Curious Tale of Uno.”

Here at Hot D***a we have a customer named John Hall. If you’ve been in the store at all regularly there’s a good chance you would recognize him. He’s homeless, has a long straggly beard, and smells strongly of tobacco. To be honest, he’s quite crazy, but he’s also unfailingly polite and entirely harmless.

He always pays for everything he eats in the store, and apologizes regularly about his appearance. He claims his identity was stolen two years ago, and I believe him. The problem is I’m almost certain he’s been crazy for several years longer than two. I know with certainty he worked in a Lawrenceville steel mill back in the 70s. In fact, I’m fairly confident I can more or less piece together John’s entire life story. I wish I could do something for him. He claims he’s been to the local Social Security office as well as the United Steel Workers Association office to try and sort out his identity issues. I’m sure in the paranoid conspiracy laden mindset that is his everyday experience he didn’t present himself all that convincingly.

Nonetheless, until his identity was stolen two years ago he claims he received a regular social security check as well as a check from the USWA, and that with those two sources of income was able to maintain a home on the North Side. I’m not at all sure his timeline is correct, but again, I tend to think the gist of what he’s saying has a fair amount of truth.

So, as long as John keeps coming in to Hot D***a I plan on treating him like any other paying customer. If any of you out there have any idea of how we might be able to further help him, by all means, let me know!

Major League Baseball is upon us, and Faithful Frank (our hot dog mascot) was recently escorted out of PNC Park! After being seen on the jumbo-tron, posing for photos with many fans, and introducing much of the stadium to Hot D***a, an over zealous security guard found Faithful Frank to be soliciting. Faithful Frank maintains that solicitation requires initiative on the part of the solicitor and that he only spoke to individuals who approached him. Controversy roars in Pittsburgh.

It’s officially spring time. I’m pretty stoked. Apparently, so are all of downtown’s aspiring thieves. Our tip jar was stolen on Monday. Pretty lame, eh? Then today a guy tried to steal a bottle of soda and totally played it off when I caught him. Then he bought some ice cream and tried to steal money from our new tip jar while it was being scooped. Pretty sketch. Other than that it’s been a great week. You should come and visit!

-Tim @ Hot D***a

The other day a man carrying a bag of leftovers said to his family, “I’ve got chicken, let’s cross the street.” Well, at Hot D***a, we’ve got a grilled chicken salad that sure is worth “crossing the street” for. It might even be worth parking downtown for.

And in case you’re wondering, our dogs are all beef. Holy Cow!!!! Hot D***a.

-Tim