How do I play this game, eh?

1. Find clues each day via twitter.com/franktuary or the right sidebar of franktuary.com. Search the interwebs for answers, which means you can play this game from your office chair and it will look like you are “working”.

2. Keep track of your answers. Friday we’ll furnish you with an algorithm to unlock the secret G20 words you will then use to compose a haiku.

3. Top three scorers earn the prizes below, and best haikus will be posted to franktuary.com and in our store. Points will be assigned based on completion, creativity, and correctness.

What do I get??

Third Prize: the official G20 Plummet t-shirt and frankfurter (a $20.09 value!)
Second Prize: the official G20 Plummet t-shirt, frankfurter, and $10 gift certificate (a $30.09 value!)
First Prize: ZIP TIE ESCAPE and a round-trip MegaBus ticket to a location of our choosing (an inestimable value!)

I want some rules!

We’re not very good a “rules” here at Franktuary – here are some guidelines for your scavenging success.

1. Have fun and be creative.
2. You may work with teammates, but you will have to split the prize.
3. Your end-of-hunt Haiku must follow traditional Haiku form though you may use the English language.

Happy Hunting!

Pittsburgh, PA (15 September 2010) – Exactly one year ago, Pittsburgh’s downtown business district was making preparations to host the G-20 Summit.  An excited community anticipated a week of record-setting sales and attention in the global spotlight, and Franktuary was no exception.  The Obamas were formally invited for lunch, extra staff was scheduled, and regular hours were extended.  “We envisioned serving our menu items to heads of state and foreign dignitaries,” recalls Franktuary owner Tim Tobitsch.  “While we knew that might not occur, we fully expected a memorable and busy week.”

And memorable it was, but in all the wrong ways.  Sales were nonexistent as downtown Pittsburgh became virtually impenetrable to its own citizens.  Battalions of mounted riot police patrolled the street outside Franktuary, but none came in to dine.  World leaders kept out of sight, showing little interest in supporting the residents of the host city they had so brazenly invaded.

In honor of this debacle, Franktuary has created the G-20 Plummet.  During the Plummet the restaurant will offer its Pittsburgh frank, buried under 20 additional condiments.  Franktuary publicist Frida Marquetza states, “The extra condiments represent the insensitive visitors who disrupted Pittsburgh’s tranquil and prosperous everyday life.  The suffocated pierogie symbolizes our city’s immobilized economy.”

The special menu item will be sold for $20.09 and comes with a unique commemorative t-shirt, designed by local printshop Commonwealth Press, as a keepsake of this historic – and histrionic – event.  Franktuary’s owners hope the promotion will reclaim sales lost during the Summit, estimated to be more than $1,500.

“This Plummet will be held on the one-year anniversary of Pittsburgh’s G-20 Summit, the week of September 20, 2010,” notes Marquetza.  “We intend to hold future Plummets whenever a Summit needlessly interrupts the lives of peaceful urban dwellers somewhere in the world.  Like-minded small businesses in Pittsburgh and elsewhere are invited to join the movement.”

A quick survey of Pittsburgh’s downtown pedestrians yielded mixed opinions about the Plummet.  “Sounds dumb to me.  If the Obama family won’t eat at Franktuary, I don’t see why I should,” said lawyer Don Key.  On the other hand, vacationing family Libby, Terry and Ian Nomor of Texas, were more positive.  “We love the idea.  Small businesses are the backbone of our country.  We’re coming back to Pittsburgh this September so we can get a t-shirt.”

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Franktuary is located at 325 Oliver Avenue, in Pittsburgh, PA and is open Monday through Friday, 10:00 am – 3:00 pm.  To learn more, visit www.franktuary.com.

Don’t take my word for it, though.  Read the thoughts of conservative columnist David Frum.

Then consider that treehugger.com seconds his opinion.  If those two sources are in agreement, then shouldn’t you hear them out?

Furthermore, the Canadian Press has found it worthwhile to interview Pittsburgh business owners about the disaster that was the G-20 Summit in western Pennsylvania.

Well, friends, Franktuary is not yet finished with its G-20 experience.  The bitter lemons forced upon us by the heavy hand of international government have yet to be made into lemonade.  But, oh, how those lemons are ripening.  Plans are in the works to appropriately observe the one year anniversary of Pittsburgh’s G20 debacle.  And after reading these articles, we might just be able to round up some international partners.  More on this topic when the time is right.

Dear Mr. President:

As a small business owner in Pittsburgh, I was excited to learn that you had selected my city to host the G-20 Summit. I took the time to personally invite you and your delightful wife Michelle to visit my restaurant, Franktuary. Sadly, you declined. Hey, I understand, you’re a busy man!

It’s just that at the time you chose Pittsburgh to host the Summit I was naïve enough to believe that you were doing something to benefit the businesses of this city’s downtown. I thought that security and protesters would need to eat somewhere, and that somewhere might be my place. As the event approached it became clear this was only wishful thinking.

The frustrating reality is this. The hype and limited access to downtown generated by the presence of your international peers kept approximately 90% of my regular clientele away on Thursday September 24 and Friday September 25. The law enforcement officials stationed downtown, although pleasant and professional, were not permitted to take a lunch break and eat at the establishment of their choosing. The presence of protesters, tourists, and adventurous locals in the Golden Triangle failed to replace even a tiny fraction of downtown Pittsburgh’s regular daytime population. Ironically, while trying to fix the global economy with pomp, circumstance, and a Friday morning meeting, those who attended the G-20 Summit managed to kill many facets of a local economy for approximately 72 hours.

At a minimum, my business lost $500 in sales as a direct result of the entirety of downtown Pittsburgh being turned into a high-security international society club. Admittedly, from a global perspective the amount of money to which I am referring is not very much. However, to a business such as my own it is a staggering loss.

Look, Mr. President, my business is not “too big to fail.” The last thing I’m interested in doing is requesting a bailout. I am, however, a pragmatic and solutions oriented person. The marketers of your Presidential campaign would have me believe that you are as well. This gives me reason to HOPE this letter doesn’t fall on deaf ears.

So, here’s what can be done to remedy a piece of the collateral damage caused by your event:
~20 world leaders each spending $25 at Franktuary equals $500
~$500 approaches the amount of sales world leaders have caused Franktuary to lose
~$25 equals the cost of one Franktuary hooded sweatshirt

Logically, we can deduce (YES WE CAN!) that if 20 world leaders each purchase one hoodie from Franktuary, they will have eliminated a piece of the damage they incidentally inflicted on the micro-economy of downtown Pittsburgh.

As the host of this global convergence, perhaps it is appropriate for you to supply each of your guests with a Franktuary hoodie as a gift. In doing so you have the opportunity to take personal responsibility for helping a grass-roots business that strives to benefit its community (see previous letter), as opposed to being remembered as a high-rolling bigwig who chose to trample over it on his romp through town.

You once stated, “to every American running a small business or hoping to run a small business one day: You deserve a chance. America needs you to have that chance. And as President, I will continue to do everything in my power to ensure that you have the opportunity to contribute to your community, to our economy, and to the future of the United States of America.” Mr. President, if this is how you feel, surely you are interested in making up for one restaurant’s lost chance to do two days worth of business as a result of an event you coordinated. I challenge you to put your money where your mouth is! Clearly, a purchase of 20 hoodies is well within your “power.”

Conveniently, the Franktuary hoodie displays the phrase “Pittsburgh, PA” beneath the company logo and along the right breast of the garment. It will make a treasured keepsake for each of its recipients.

As I said, Mr. President, this is no bailout. It’s better. This is the opportunity to support a real business that has been anything but wasteful in its spending over the course of its five year history. For your convenience an order form picturing the Frankuary hoodie has been enclosed. We can work out the shipping details later.

Peace, Love, and Capitalism,
Franktuary
www.franktuary.com
412.288.0322

PS: Franktuary hoodies will look great under Sasha and Malia’s tree!

1) What, exactly, did MLK have to say about the right-to-work concept? I simply don’t know. Everything I’ve learned about him informs me that he sought for people to be treated equally. I am unaware if this sentiment dovetailed with a belief that to be treated equally everyone had to be supplied with a job. Can anyone out there verify that this was his thought process?

2) I am all for employment, but I do not understand how a person can carry a sign such as the one referenced above and take himself seriously. As if jobs just sprout from the ground, like some omnipresent truffle, begging to be picked. If only the powers that be would allow the “regular” people into the truffle garden everything would be fixed and fair. Poof! (Some truffles do go poof.) Just like that!

Realistically, these protesters must know that a job is only useful if a person has the skills to perform it well. That demand for the service a job provides is integral to its existence. That a job can only pay if an organization is creating wealth. That money grown on trees or printed in basements, doesn’t create wealth. That forcefully redistributing wealth is a likely way to render the value of that wealth and those best at producing it impotent. That the more centralized power becomes, the more danger we’re all in.

Perhaps we’d all do well to share more of what we have voluntarily, but that’s a frankfurter for another bun. Right now we’re talking about the illusory assumption that jobs surface as mysteriously as the globe’s abundant fungi population. (Ask your neighborhood mycologist. It’s not true.)

What I champion is not so much the right to a job, but the right to seek a job no matter who you are, as well as the right for an employer to determine who he employs. I’m enamored with the concept of being free to read, learn, and better myself on my own, regardless of how far and for what price I am willing or able to pursue formal education.

Most of all, I like the idea of a person being able to attempt to create a job for himself with as little bureaucratic interference as possible. That person may never be a huge success, financially or otherwise, but his potential to be so always exists. He has the freedom to succeed or fail rather than the experience of having his life dictated to him by an outside authority. He has the satisfaction of knowing he’s truly earning everything he makes. Despite any natural or artificial barriers in his way, he has the chance to grow with instead of out of his chosen occupation.

Look, I’m not here to tell you the playing field on which the world competes is a level one. As long as darker parts of the human soul are susceptible to a lust for power it never will be. We’ve witnessed enough of human history to know this unfortunate quality is something we all have the potential to possess. It isn’t going anywhere. It transcends ideology and has been known to manifest itself in socialistic governments, capitalistic enterprises, and every other societal construct imaginable. People who blame systems with pithy signage or make scapegoats out of high-profile personalities miss the point entirely.

As neatly as it fits on a protester’s sign, the concept of “a job being a right,” is a bogus one. Certainly, though, jobs are valuable resources that command a high level of responsibility. Here’s hoping you have one you like. If not, may you be in a society that freely allows you to forge a new path. A path that inspires you to take a risk and work hard for the sake of venturing down its course, even if it means getting dirty, possibly staying dirty, and making sacrifices along the way. Do not be afraid to fail. Be willing to carry on in the face of adversity. And, of course, if you know someone in a tough spot consider lending him a hand. Most importantly, when it comes to that job you’ve always wanted, go for it, don’t wait for it!

The color scheme! The air vents! G.I.Joe meets Batman meets…Pittsburgh.

…and motorcycles…

…and then left on bright red Port Authority buses reading “Special”!

These officers were great. We were kept safe and entertained.