Here at Franktuary, we strive for consistency. That’s why from now on you won’t see one of us applying condiments in a straight line over your dog while the other creates a wave like pattern. No sirree. Non of THAT here.

In the coming months we may begin to weave our shreds of cheddar cheese together so that we can apply all cheese to various franks in a uniform design. Then again, we might not. One never knows. One NEVER knows.

In other news, I think I may be lactose intolerant. Whooooopeeeeeee!

I’m about to divulge some information that maybe isn’t so appropriate for a food related blog. Are you ready??

For the past few weeks I’ve been having some digestive trouble. I really hope this isn’t the end of what has been referred to in the past as my “cast-iron stomach.”

I don’t feel sick, but something’s going on down there. I guess it happens to the best of us. I look at food in the middle of the afternoon, after not having eaten all day, and get the feeling that maybe it’s not the best idea to eat it. That’s never happened to me before. It’s a little bit frightening.

I have a twitch in my eye today. Have you ever had that? It’s a strange feeling. Fortunately this twitch does not compromise my ability to sell frankfurters!

I’ve had to pull out of the “All-Star Celebrity Softball Game” because of a nagging groin injury. The good news for Major League Baseball is that they were able to get Will Smith to take my place.

Okay, so I made all that up except for the part about the groin injury.

Right now there are snipers stationed on top of PNC Park and helicopters with huge search lights routinely fly over my apartment. Seriously.

Hello, everyone. I just got back from giving blood. If you weigh more than 110 lbs and aren’t terribly afraid of needles I recommend the experience.

You relax in a chair, get free food, and you help someone else out. You even get a free mini-physical. There’s really no downside.

Today I went through some sort of different blood-giving technique. I gave twice as much as normal, and the process involved watching plasma be pumped back into my body twice. Fascinating. I feel fine, but now I have to wait four months, instead of two months, before I can consider giving blood again.

Yesterday I was enjoying a little afternoon accounting session when I thought to myself, “how strange, I can’t feel my legs.” For a moment I was worried, but then I realized that I could feel them. It was just that they didn’t have that dull throbbing sensation that they do when they’re tired. It’s literally the first time in months they haven’t felt that way. Maybe I should spend less time on my feet and more time accounting. My legs would never be tired. Then again I’d probably also kill myself and fresh legs aren’t of much value to a dead man.

Another thing happened yesterday. I was in a church service when a table cloth caught on fire. It was an exciting time. This girl got up and jumped over some furniture. I though, perhaps, the weight of her sin had become too much to bear. It turns out, though, that she was rushing to put out a fire before I had even realized that there was a fire. Candles. They’ll get you in trouble. 125.

Part of what I didn’t tell you yesterday is that I’ve been battling a case of the runs this week. It’s a very bad combination to have your water shut off when you have the runs. Thankfully, my water was back on last night. Let me tell you, I would have been in trouble if THAT hadn’t worked out.

But don’t you worry, as a certified food safety specialist I’m well trained in how to deal with something like “the runs.” Sure wish they’d go away, though. Sometimes I don’t believe my own life.

Yesterday I became acquainted with something called the Valsalva Maneuver. Essentially, it’s when an individual holds his breath while exerting force. For example, the Valsalva Maneuver often occurs during defecation. It has come to my attention that “many die on the toilet seat” because of this practice. The Valsalva Maneuver is DANGEROUS.

What I want to know is who this “maneuver” is named after. Who would want such a dubious distinction? Perhaps there is a woman out there somewhere named Val Salva. Perhaps she died on her toilet seat. Now she lives in infamy, except that she’s been dead for quite some time. Poor girl.

Yesterday my newest roommate went to the post office (yubinkyoku in Japanese) and bought 1 two cent stamp with his credit card. Surely the USPS lost money on that one. If each of us purchased only 1 two cent stamp with a credit card on the same day I wonder if we could collectively bring the entire operation to its knees. Probably not. Probably what would happen is that on the next business day, the price of a postage stamp would go up to $42.71.

Now it’s time to let you in on a little secret. I’ve had a few frankfurters this week.

Today a customer ordered a frankfurter salad with “California French Style” dressing. In fact, as I was running through her salad dressing options, she became fixated on the California French alternative. This was because we had neither a California style nor a French style hot dog on our menu. She makes a good point.

I had never given our “California French Style” salad dressing much thought before. Now I’m wondering, how can a salad dressing be both Californian and French at the same time? It doesn’t make any sense. That’s okay, because after all, what’s important is that we all now realize that “California French Style” dressing works well with a frankfurter salad.

In other news, I’m pleased to see that at least one computer dating service is now reading this blog (see comment on January 6). To think, lucyammons15571836 wants to meet me tonight! Maybe I’ll bring some floppy disks to insert in her drive. That would really boot ‘er up, eh?

In serious news, my friend Karis is having an intestinal transplant. It might very well be happening right now. Please pray for her. http://aup.org/karis/latest_update.htm

Sunday morning I woke up with a lump on my left cheek. It was too big to be a zit, so being the curious person I am, I prodded it. Subsequently, it bled profusely. Now I have a lump on my left cheek highlighted by a small scab on its crest. My friend thinks it’s a spider bite. I like that story.

Now, for a change, some useful information. This Friday, November 18, is “Light Up Night” in downtown Pittsburgh and Hot D***a will be open late! That’s right, our doors won’t be closed until 8 pm. All of you folks who tell us you want to visit our shoppe but can never make it downtown when we’re open, well, this is a great opportunity to come check us out!

If that weren’t incentive enough, as part of the Light Up Night festivities, two of our good friends, Brad Yoder and Kathryn O’Leary will be giving musical performances in our shoppe. Brad will be playing here during our lunch rush, and Kathryn will be on stage from 7:00 pm to 8:00 pm.

So, come on down and “light up” our cash register.