Typically I tell you how the aforementioned code perpetually erodes my sanity and chips away at my soul.  How it causes me to question why I continue with my business.  How it stokes my desire to live the life of a hermit deep in the woods, where trees get to be trees instead of paper spewed from the mouth of a three-headed bureaucratic monster.

When you own a small business it’s always tax season, yet April 15 still holds special significance. But you know what?  While today is April 15, it’s also Sunday.

Not a single NP-5, LS-1, 1040-ES, PA40-ESR, W-2, K-1, W-3, 1099, 1096, 1065, RCT-101, PA-65, UC-2A, UC-2, ET-1, WTE-3, WT-1, 940, 1040, 941, PA-40, PGH-40, RK-1, I-9, W-9, W-4, NRK-1, PA-65M, or 1125A is due.

In celebration, I present you with a list of my favorite things thus far discovered in 2012.  If only these were the mandatory parts of my life instead of tax compliance!

~ Stephen Potter.  This lesser known British humorist is seriously hilarious.  Seriously.  Find a copy of “The Complete Upmanship” and be very amused.
~Denise Minger and her blog, rawfoodsos.com.  Denise composes among the most thorough, well-researched, friendly, and funny writing about nutrition you can ever hope to read, no matter your dietary habits.
~Meatpaper. “We like metaphors more than marinating tips. We are your journal of meat culture.”  That, my friends, is all you need to know.
~Fun.  I learned about this band thanks to an episode of Glee.  I only wish I was hip(ster) enough to say otherwise.  Fun, indeed.
~The New York Rangers winning. A rarity in the world of sports.  Let me have my moment, Pens fans.  My Rangers roots run deep.  Surely a Stanley Cup for the second time in over 70 years is not too much to ask.
~Correct running form.  I read the book “Born to Run” and it all made sense.  And I don’t even like running.  Are you aware that some people out there are capable of winning a foot-race with a horse??
~JAPADOG.  Merges the culture of two of my favorite countries (Canada and Japan) with one of my favorite foods.  Now with a location on St. Mark’s Place in New York’s East Village.  If the beef was grass-fed I’d quit right now.

So, recently all of us at Franktuary have had the opportunity to see a film called FRESH.  It’s really something every one of you should watch.  It’s amazing what happens when things in nature eat what they’re designed to eat, and we’re no exception.  In fact, since we’re at the top of the food chain, it’s of particular importance.  Whether plant or animal, everything that we eat (and everything its consumed) needs to have itself been properly fed if we have any chance of eating as we should.  And since we provide the nourishment for virtually everything we eat before it becomes food, it’s safe to say we reap what we sow.  It’s a heavy topic.  I invite you to give a film like FRESH a chance, do some research, and draw your own conclusion!

Also, you still have a few days to vote for us in Pittsburgh Magazine’s Best Restaurants Poll.  Help us become “Best Downtown Lunch Spot” three years in a row!  Stop reading and vote!  Really, why are you still here?

Finally, as a hockey fan, I am endorsing Jamie Langenbrunner and Chris Drury as a Presidential ticket.  Sounds crazy, until you check out my sound logic:

Langenbrunner-Drury 2012! These men know about successfully skating on thin ice while routinely crossing red lines and blue lines for the sake of a common goal. Proven ability to come from opposing camps and work together as one.  Solid foreign relations experience, forward-minded yet strong on defense, and proven leadership skills, too. Plus, with Tortorella in the cabinet there is guaranteed Torts Reform.  Sounds like a big improvement to me!  GO USA (at least the contingent in Vancouver)!

Here’s another good story, never to have appeared in this space before. It’s a story of hope, triumph, and the power of community, but, no, it isn’t sappy.

It was the summer of 1994. The New York Rangers were the Stanley Cup Champions and I was a middle school student in suburban New Jersey. My older sister, 18 at the time, took me into New York City to see the Cup first-hand.

After getting lost on the subway, we made it to our destination. Being the hockey-geek that I am I spent the entire day on inline skates. I should add that these skates were of the bargain basement variety. They were the kind of skates “mom” buys when your feet are still growing. They were the kind of skates whose designers included wheels but didn’t see much reason for said wheels to spin freely. I also carried a plastic street hockey stick with me the entire day.

As we waited for a train to return to New Jersey, I decided it would be a good idea to keep my skates on for the entire ride home. Shortly after stepping on the train I realized that stability was an issue. Just after that, a young man, perhaps three years older me, approached me and took my hockey stick from my hands. He said he would return it, but as he made his way down the subway car, stick-handling a piece of crumpled paper, it became clear he had other intentions.

At that point in my life there was nothing I liked more than hockey. Though it could be easily replaced, I was distraught to see my stick slipping away. I was also immobilized by a combination of fear and bad bearings. That’s when my sister sprung into action.

She took it upon herself to impede my adversary. Noticing that she was possibly overmatched a group of strangers approximately her age took it upon themselves to join the cause. Not long after that my stick was back in my hands and the passengers on my subway car had formed a wall of humanity that forcibly separated my attacker from me. As I exited the train a middle-aged Asian woman literally restrained the kid who tried to steal my stick. My memory isn’t perfect but I’m pretty sure she stood in a martial arts pose.

Years later I saw a Spiderman movie with a scene reminiscent to the one I’ve just described. I don’t recall exactly what happens in that movie, but I do remember New Yorkers uniting to the call of “You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.” How true.

So, how does this relate to you?

Well, for one, if those people on the subway hadn’t acted when I needed them Franktuary might not exist today. Furthermore, I’d like to believe this sort of thing happens in Pittsburgh all the time. Certainly it’s a goal we can work toward no matter where we call home!

The next time you have a New Yorker, I hope this story comes to mind. On September 11, it seems appropriate to salute the people of New York in this space.

Sooooo, we celebrate Game 7 instead. Tomorrow only, customers wearing Penguins apparel will receive a free Detroit frank with the purchase of a Pittsburgh. It’s time to eat Detroit for lunch!

Maybe that’s the problem, most penguins spend more time swimming than flying while those boys from Detroit have wings, literally. There is such a thing as underwater ice hockey, you know. That’s something at which penguins should excel. If they lose tonight, maybe Crosby and co should have a crack at it. If they win, check back soon for a special Game 7 offer from Franktuary!

All day today the Pittsburgh is half-off at Franktuary. You can thank #87 and company for that!

Here’s hoping we see a rematch of the 1992 Stanley Cup Finals, but hopefully we can avoid this:

Mention this blog entry the day after victory and receive one Pittsburgh frank for half of its regular price. After all, should fortune shine upon the Steel City, the Pens will be half-way to Lord Stanley’s Cup.

“Dear Mr. Peduto:

We at Franktuary are dismayed to hear that the plan to have skyscraper-size posters of Marc-Andre Fleury and Sidney Crosby adorn the outer-walls of Fifth Avenue Place has been ‘pooh-poohed‘ because of political ‘drama.‘ We are confident that you feel similarly.

Therefore, we present through you, a chance for the City Council and, most importantly, Mayor Luke, to experience redemption. After all, if not redemption, what is a Franktuary for? Without further adieu, I give you the plan.

It’s as simple as skyscraper-size posters of Franktuary co-founders Tim and Megan. Picture them this summer in the lofty place that Sidney and Marc-Andre should have been granted during the Stanley Cup Finals. July is National Hot Dog Month, you know. To avoid legal problems with the current billboard freeze, City Council can pronounce a temporary Hot Dog Holiday.

Instead of the Penguins logo, another recognizable Pittsburgh logo -that of Franktuary- will be prominently displayed on the Megan and Tim posters. The Reebok logo will be replaced by that of Boar’s Head Delicatessen. The phrase ‘Your Move.’ will give way to ‘Bun Nation Under God.’

We look forward to hearing from you soon as well as seeing ourselves in larger than life format in the very near future.

Respectfully your concerned citizen,
Tim Tobitsch for Franktuary
emailus@franktuary.com

PS: It is our understanding that you will not be running for mayor in the next election. We are sad, but we also understand. If you would like us to run as your “mayoral-puppets,” we would consider it.”

Also, Mayor Luke is disappointed that he might not be able to take an all-expense paid trip to Detroit to see the Penguins play on the road. The poor guy has been able to go to games for free all season but, because of the ticket value of a finals game, he’d be breaking ethics rules by accepting a free pass to watch the Penguins right now. When the going gets “tough,” apparently our mayor voices his grievances in the newspaper. After all, with a $98,000 salary he certainly can’t afford to go to a game and support the city he governs on his own.

So, back to those posters. I’ve got an alternative plan. Why not giant 40 by 85 foot posters of Tim and Megan with the Franktuary logo and the phrase “Bun nation under God”? Luke, city council, this is your second chance.

At any rate, here’s a thought for you. Perhaps we should consider naming our children after the supplements and prescription medications we take. After all, without such things we might not be healthy enough to have children at all.

In my case, were I to have a son in the near future he would be named Saccharomyces Boulardii. You could just call him “Sac.”