When you grow up in and around northern New Jersey, as I did, there are a handful of cultural elements forever branded into your persona. For example, if you’re from the area you probably perceive a frankfurter to be more delicious than disgusting. After all, the grilled franks of Manhattan and deep-fried dogs of New Jersey really are better. But you’ve been to Franktuary. You know this fact well.

Something you most likely don’t know of is a now defunct theme park branded as Action Park. Like the simple enjoyment of a quality tubesteak, memories of Action Park is a bond we young adults from the New York area share. If you have no idea what I’m talking about do yourself a favor and check out this informative Wikipedia entry.

Just today I was sitting around a campfire in northwest Jersey and the subject of Action Park came up. I had never before met about two-thirds of the group of 12 or so with whom I was spending the day. All of these people grew up in either Queens, Brooklyn, the Garden State, or Connecticut. Everyone had an Action Park story.

In a rare demonstration of vigilance my good buddy was rescued by an Action Park lifeguard at the age of four. Of course, had he not been allowed to use the ride for which he was clearly under the height minimum in the first place a rescue would never have needed to commence. More spectacularly, today I learned of a girl whose braces somehow got caught on a ride causing her to lose all of her teeth.

I myself only had the chance to visit Action Park once in my life. To this day I can’t decide whether that was fortunate or unfortunate. And you, dear Pittsburgher, thought Kennywood was one of a kind. Ahh, memories!

A new in-store-one-sitting record has been set for frankfurters consumed at Franktuary. Today Justin ate an entire Colossus –that’s eight hot dogs featuring every condiment we offer, four servings of potato chips, and a platter full of spinach– entirely on his own. Justin, if you’re still alive, congratulations and happy birthday!

In other news, Barackwurst 14, Hillbasa 12.

Franktuary introduces its newest menu additions, the Barackwurst and the Hillbasa.

In a nod to Pennsylvania’s upcoming Democratic presidential primary the restaurant is offering two politically themed menu items as an innovative way of predicting the results of the actual vote, which will be held on April 22, 2008. On a weekly basis Franktuary will announce its poll results, based on the ratio of respective sausages sold, through the website sausagepoll.com.

The Barackwurst, featuring an array of patriotic condiments, is a half-link of knockwurst and a half-link of bratwurst served on two New England top-split rolls. Red grape tomatoes, creamy white horseradish sauce, and crumbled blue corn tortilla chips are drizzled over the two different wursts that have come together to support one cause.

The Hillbasa is a kielbasa split length-wise and served with nearly identical condiments, also on two top-split rolls. “Quite honestly,” reports Franktuary co-owner Tim Tobitsch, “the two products are strikingly similar. However, the Hillbasa does come with a mandated side of Bill pickles, while rumors persist that the Barackwurst is served with a side of whatever one hopes.” When asked about the overwhelming demand that may be created by the novelty menu items Tobitsch quipped, “We’re a very small restaurant, but better we sell out than the politicians.”

Both the Barackwurst and Hillbasa are presented with a running-mate (side order) and Pennsylvania Punch, a locally produced soft-drink from the Natrona Bottling Company, for $7.00. Customers can purchase a Rocky Road to the White House Cherry Sundae for an additional $5.00. Customers who wish to be patriotic while abstaining from meat may replace wursts or kielbasa with two veggie dogs.

At a later date, Franktuary promises to introduce another politically themed frankfurter, the Hot McCainine, to be served with a side of Bush’s Baked Beans. When asked whom it advocates as the United States’ next President, Franktuary refused to play favorites, citing allegiance only to America.

Here’s a riddle for you!

How can one be in Pittsburgh, but out of Pittsburgh at the same time?

When Franktuary is out of pierogies (which hopefully won’t happen often), of course!

That’s right, Franktuary is pleased to announce the addition of “The Pittsburgh” to it’s family of franks. Come on down and give it a whirl! With luck, we won’t be out.

While there may be an additional update to this blog before the year’s end, Franktuary will be closed. Franktuary will reopen on January 2, 2008. Have a Merry Christmas, and Give Franks!

PS: Are you in Pittsburgh over the holidays and disappointed that you won’t have the chance to visit Franktuary??? If so, please consider supporting these other fine local establishments, which come highly recommended by Franktuary. As far as we know they will be open next week, although quite possibly with abbreviated hours.

Beleza Community Coffee House – 1501 Buena Vista Street, Mexican War Streets – If Franktuary were a coffee house it would consider Beleza a mentor.
Gluuteny – 1923 Murray Avenue, Squirrel Hill – If Franktuary were a bakery it would aspire to be a lot like Gluuteny.
D’s SixPax & Dogz – 1118 S. Braddock Avenue, Regent Square – If you can’t go to Franktuary this is THE best place to grab a hot dog in the ‘Burgh. Same goes for the veggie dog. Also boasts a huge beer collection.

Tomorrow, that is.

If you don’t like Harry Potter, here are some other ways to spend your time in Pittsburgh this weekend…

1) Attend the hot dog eating competition at the Station Street Hot Dog and Sandwich Shop in East Liberty. Consumption begins at 1 pm.
2) Fill your colonoscopy preparation prescription, if you have one.
3) Buy some cheese at the Pennsylvania Macaroni Company.

For as long as I can remember the phrase “I double-dog dare you” has not made sense.

Then, yesterday, it occurred to me that the saying may be derived not from canines, but from hot dogs.

That would explain a lot.

Every Wednesday I get a phone call from “Brian with Boar’s Head.” That’s because Boar’s Head is the company that puts the “frank” in Franktuary. Every Thursday I see “Brian with Boar’s Head” as he delivers us food.

To the untrained ear the phrase “Brian with Boar’s Head” is a bit odd. If one does not know that Boar’s Head is a deli company, let alone the world’s finest deli company, to hear the words “Brian with Boar’s Head” is actually quite frightening.

Sometimes, thinking about “Brian with Boar’s Head” inspires me to refer to myself as something random like “Tim with traffic cone,” but that’s beside the point. The point, of course, is that it’s all about context.

Let me tell you a story.

The other day I walked into a room with a television. There was a woman speaking through the old boob tube, and she said something like this. “We’re really excited about bringing this disease to children because they don’t have much experience with it.” Turns out she was talking about cancer… awareness. Who knew? And that’s why context is the word of the day.

The Stanley Cup Playoffs are here, and each of you would do very well to let yourself be swept away by the magic that is hockey. Somehow, though, I doubt many of you are interested in heeding my advice.

You know, someone once told me that Wayne Gretzky ate three hot dogs before each one of his games. I don’t believe it for a second, but I often contemplate how many more records he would have set if he had done just that. Why not come to Franktuary, have a dog and then go set a record of your own?

Here at Franktuary, we strive for consistency. That’s why from now on you won’t see one of us applying condiments in a straight line over your dog while the other creates a wave like pattern. No sirree. Non of THAT here.

In the coming months we may begin to weave our shreds of cheddar cheese together so that we can apply all cheese to various franks in a uniform design. Then again, we might not. One never knows. One NEVER knows.

In other news, I think I may be lactose intolerant. Whooooopeeeeeee!