Dear Senator Fontana, Representative Wheatly, and Governor Corbett:

Sincerely,
Team Franktuary

Pittsburgh, PA (15 September 2010) – Exactly one year ago, Pittsburgh’s downtown business district was making preparations to host the G-20 Summit.  An excited community anticipated a week of record-setting sales and attention in the global spotlight, and Franktuary was no exception.  The Obamas were formally invited for lunch, extra staff was scheduled, and regular hours were extended.  “We envisioned serving our menu items to heads of state and foreign dignitaries,” recalls Franktuary owner Tim Tobitsch.  “While we knew that might not occur, we fully expected a memorable and busy week.”

And memorable it was, but in all the wrong ways.  Sales were nonexistent as downtown Pittsburgh became virtually impenetrable to its own citizens.  Battalions of mounted riot police patrolled the street outside Franktuary, but none came in to dine.  World leaders kept out of sight, showing little interest in supporting the residents of the host city they had so brazenly invaded.

In honor of this debacle, Franktuary has created the G-20 Plummet.  During the Plummet the restaurant will offer its Pittsburgh frank, buried under 20 additional condiments.  Franktuary publicist Frida Marquetza states, “The extra condiments represent the insensitive visitors who disrupted Pittsburgh’s tranquil and prosperous everyday life.  The suffocated pierogie symbolizes our city’s immobilized economy.”

The special menu item will be sold for $20.09 and comes with a unique commemorative t-shirt, designed by local printshop Commonwealth Press, as a keepsake of this historic – and histrionic – event.  Franktuary’s owners hope the promotion will reclaim sales lost during the Summit, estimated to be more than $1,500.

“This Plummet will be held on the one-year anniversary of Pittsburgh’s G-20 Summit, the week of September 20, 2010,” notes Marquetza.  “We intend to hold future Plummets whenever a Summit needlessly interrupts the lives of peaceful urban dwellers somewhere in the world.  Like-minded small businesses in Pittsburgh and elsewhere are invited to join the movement.”

A quick survey of Pittsburgh’s downtown pedestrians yielded mixed opinions about the Plummet.  “Sounds dumb to me.  If the Obama family won’t eat at Franktuary, I don’t see why I should,” said lawyer Don Key.  On the other hand, vacationing family Libby, Terry and Ian Nomor of Texas, were more positive.  “We love the idea.  Small businesses are the backbone of our country.  We’re coming back to Pittsburgh this September so we can get a t-shirt.”

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Franktuary is located at 325 Oliver Avenue, in Pittsburgh, PA and is open Monday through Friday, 10:00 am – 3:00 pm.  To learn more, visit www.franktuary.com.

Since 2007, Franktuary has been without a soda fountain.  Those of you who go far enough back may remember the one that used to call our counter home.  What I’m sure none of you remember is the time its water line exploded overnight causing the entire kitchen to flood.  We used a giant squeegee to move water to our drain which, brilliantly, was installed at the high point of our floor.  But that has nothing to do with why we gave our fountain the axe.

It had to go because all of the soda options it offered came with a healthy dose of high fructose corn syrup.  Today we’re proud to say that not a single beverage in the store –soft drink or otherwise– contains HFCS.

Of course, we like fountains of the kind the Post-Gazette references every bit as much as the next frankfurter emporium in the back of a historic gothic cathedral.  Don’t for a moment think that Franktuary doesn’t appreciate a good public display of artistically flowing recirculated water.  In fact, we know the perfect place for Pittsburgh’s next great fountain.  Right across the street from us, where that half-demolished dusty, debris-filled malodorous eyesore of an abandoned building currently sits.  Yes, that would be a welcome change.

Don’t take my word for it, though.  Read the thoughts of conservative columnist David Frum.

Then consider that treehugger.com seconds his opinion.  If those two sources are in agreement, then shouldn’t you hear them out?

Furthermore, the Canadian Press has found it worthwhile to interview Pittsburgh business owners about the disaster that was the G-20 Summit in western Pennsylvania.

Well, friends, Franktuary is not yet finished with its G-20 experience.  The bitter lemons forced upon us by the heavy hand of international government have yet to be made into lemonade.  But, oh, how those lemons are ripening.  Plans are in the works to appropriately observe the one year anniversary of Pittsburgh’s G20 debacle.  And after reading these articles, we might just be able to round up some international partners.  More on this topic when the time is right.

Why not Humongous Osprey?  What about Enormous Pelican?  Or how about Massive Dodo?  Then again, they could have settled on Substantial Tufted Titmouse, Abundant Sparrow, Gargantuan Blue Jay or Behemoth Hummingbird.

Any of those names would make as much sense as Giant Eagle.  Of course, there’s, Piggly Wiggly and Food Lion in the industry, too.  But a Piggly Wiggly sells some pork products.  And a Food Lion most definitely sells food. Last time I checked there were neither giants nor eagles to be found in an aisle or end cap of our local grocer.  Not even in a Market District.

Maybe Franktuary should consider renaming itself to something equally unfettered by the confines of coherent language.  Something like Authoritarian Hippopotomus. If we did that would you still dine with us??

Of course, if Gyro Gearloose lived in Pittsburgh and Huey, Dewey, and Louie cheered for the Pirates, things might turn around in a hurry.  But they live in Duckburg and root for the Mallards.  At least there are no Beagle Boys in this ‘Burg(h).  No idea what I’m talking about?  Duck Tales, my friend.

In other news, Allegheny County appears to be moving toward a system where restaurant health inspection results are posted online.  Go ahead, we’re ready!

Did Three Rivers ever really have a shot? The author of the article I linked to doesn’t seem to think so. I must admit, I never saw it. This begs the question, would Three Rivers remain on the air today if a few of its scenes had been shot at Franktuary? I can personally guarantee that the show would have had at least one additional viewer!

Unlike Three Rivers the drama, the city of Pittsburgh is still going strong. Franktuary is back to its regularly scheduled programming after a brief holiday interruption. Your Locavore is waiting.

Today, however, the fire alarm was not our fault.

Also not our fault was the altercation outside between the arriving firetruck from Greensburg Fire Department (Greensburg is far!) and the black, heavily tinted Mercedes van with Russian plates. On the sidewalk directly outside of Franktuary were mingling Tim and I with our bicycles, at least 10 Russians in casual dress, the Cathedral custodian, a priest, and 5 fully suited firefighters. The van driver was trying to navigate out of his parking spot past the firetruck, the firemen were trying to figure out why there wasn’t a fire, and the Russians were talking amongst themselves and listening to us say “Welcome to Pittsburgh! Welcome to Pittsburgh!” We waited in hopes of shooting a photo with the Russians, the firemen, the diplomat van, the firetruck, the priest, and ourselves, but sadly, the van disentangled itself from the chaos and parked 20 feet further up the street. On the sidewalk. Almost immediately, the firetruck roared away. The diplomat van then rocketed off the curb in reverse, backing down the one way street past the Oliver Garage entrance while one of the Russians directed traffic from the middle of the street, waving his arms until the diplomat van pulled into the entrance and disappeared underground.

Apparently the Oliver Garage, directly across the street from Franktuary, is parking headquarters for the Russians. No joke, a priest told me!

Follow all of our stories, loosely gathered as “G20 Sights”, at www.twitter.com/franktuary.

There is a lot of fear in the air. Fitness Class Lady was talking about her fear of going to work, being at work, and getting home from work. My assumption that she was employed Downtown turned out to be false – she works about 4 miles from the Hard Perimeter (I learned this phrase from Jack Bauer.) I then assumed that she must live downtown to warrant her paranoia, but no, she lives 17 miles outside of the city. Seventeen! And her path to work doesn’t take her anywhere near Downtown, or through any of Pittsburgh’s famous tunnels.

Meanwhile, the entire staff here at Franktuary is wondering if we will be allowed to cross over the bridges into Downtown to get to work. We will be carrying IRS proof of employment and photo IDs. We’re waiting to hear if our bicycles are considered “vehicles” and therefore required be inspected at security checkpoints. We have heard, though it could be rumor, that we can’t wear scarves, hoodies, or certain colors. Costume animal heads are definitely out, so probably the hot dog suit won’t be kosher either.

It all makes me wonder why Fitness Class Lady is so afraid. Why are Americans so afraid? We’re the most comfortable people on earth. The G20 Summit is certainly causing the city some inconvenience, but I just can’t manage to be afraid of it. Of anxiety-producing situations, my husband and I ask ourselves, “What’s the absolute worst case scenario?”

Worst case scenario? Call me uncreative, but I can’t get much past Downtown being blown to bits. Which is certainly tragic and frightening to consider, but if you will think back to September of 2001, can happen to unsuspecting people anywhere, G20 Summit or not. I read a few autobiographies recently about lives in wartime: Germany in the 1940s, Iran in the 1970s, the Sudan today. There are truly unsafe places to live in the world, but we are not anywhere close to experiencing similar threats in Pittsburgh.

Which leads me to this simple conclusion: do not be afraid, people. Do not choose fear.

In fact, you don’t even have to be afraid of not finding a good meal on the 23rd, 24th, and 25th of September. We’ll be open extra late, just because we can, 10 am to 5 pm.

Franktuary is not afraid.