You know who else is in Pittsburgh this weekend? All of the Furries, with their annual convention. Is this a coincidence? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that when you put on a full furry suit you become totally anonymous. And surely one of the most famous men in the world pines for anonymity every once in a while. Just saying…

In other news, yours truly had what’s known as a “moment” with Emma Watson on the Perks of Being a Wallflower set earlier in the week. We conversed. We discovered a shared enthusiasm for local grass-fed beef. She ate her food. Then she walked out of my life, perhaps forever.

You know what else? Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York City, is proposing that food stamps no longer be accepted for the purchase of sugary beverages, like Coca-Cola or the Boylan’s soft drinks we offer at Franktuary. Normally when I read about a topic such as this one I am infuriated that the government wants to play a role in what people are allowed to eat. In this case, however, I applaud Bloomberg’s proposal. Nonetheless, The New York Times article from where I became acquainted with this topic is providing enough consternation that I feel the need to deviate from my pre-planned conversation on the apprehension of dovetailing digits and go into full-fledged political diatribe mode.

Detractors of Bloomberg’s idea make the most ridiculous statements. For example, in a letter to Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack 18 members of the Congressional Black Caucus claim that “the plan is unfair to food stamp recipients because it treats them differently from other customers.”

Clearly, food stamp recipients are different from customers who pay for groceries entirely on their own! A person can make a compelling case that food stamps are a good thing, but to claim that it is unreasonable to treat consumers who use food stamps differently demonstrates a gross disregard for entitlements and those who provide them. If someone else is generous enough to buy me something at a grocery store (or anywhere else), I don’t dwell on what my benefactor refuses to purchase for me. Instead, I am grateful for what I’m given. Why shouldn’t the federal government, as the giver, be able to limit what foodstuffs the receiver can acquire?

Even more asinine is the following rhetorical question: “Once you start going into grocery carts, deciding what people can or cannot buy,” Kevin W. Keane of the American Beverage Association queries, “where do you stop?” Undeniably, without the presence of food stamps there are all sorts of products a food stamp user would not be able to bring home, so by providing someone with food stamps you are already “going into grocery carts, deciding what people can or cannot buy.”

If Mr. Keane is truly in favor of the laissez-faire approach to food purchases his quotation suggests, he should be in favor of abolishing welfare altogether! Without a doubt, though, his only aim is to keep the gravy train rolling. On the input side of his operation Mr. Keane has a foolish government subsidizing his product by providing cheap high fructose corn syrup. On the output side Mr. Keane has a spineless government boosting his interest group’s sales by enabling people, who arguably aren’t equipped to make responsible purchasing decisions on their own, to buy his product.

This is a prime example of the unholy alliance between government and corporation we witness far too often in this nation. I say either take Bloomberg’s suggestions and put them into action or, better yet, eliminate food stamps and rely solely on private charity to help the needy.

Alas, I expect neither to happen. I mean, what’s the political appeal of either of those options when, instead, you can settle for benign mediocrity while being fiercely disliked by very few people? Perhaps that’s the real rhetorical question we should all be asking.

As I further ponder this subject, I’ll be sure to keep my phalanges from mingling.

Dear Senator Fontana, Representative Wheatly, and Governor Corbett:

Sincerely,
Team Franktuary

One thing is certain, if elected, Franktuary would advocate less forms and paperwork for all tax paying entities and individuals. It would also support lunch. After all, nutritionists say that lunch should be the largest meal of the day.

Some other things Franktuary might do:
10) Serve frankfurters from City Hall.
9) Create a suggested reading list for all interested citizens.
8) Have the city of Pittsburgh officially acknowledge a Soup of the Day.
7) Overhaul mobile food vending regulations.
6) Reform condiment waste.
5) Raise awareness about local foods and organic farming.
4) Support a woman’s right to choose sauerkraut.
3) Stand up for small businesses (see this link).
2) Require residents to practice mental math and learn a vocabulary word every morning.
1) Replace 311 with a city wide zip-line. Hey, it works in the kitchen!

Take heart. 2013 isn’t so far away.

Dear Mr. President:

As a small business owner in Pittsburgh, I was excited to learn that you had selected my city to host the G-20 Summit. I took the time to personally invite you and your delightful wife Michelle to visit my restaurant, Franktuary. Sadly, you declined. Hey, I understand, you’re a busy man!

It’s just that at the time you chose Pittsburgh to host the Summit I was naïve enough to believe that you were doing something to benefit the businesses of this city’s downtown. I thought that security and protesters would need to eat somewhere, and that somewhere might be my place. As the event approached it became clear this was only wishful thinking.

The frustrating reality is this. The hype and limited access to downtown generated by the presence of your international peers kept approximately 90% of my regular clientele away on Thursday September 24 and Friday September 25. The law enforcement officials stationed downtown, although pleasant and professional, were not permitted to take a lunch break and eat at the establishment of their choosing. The presence of protesters, tourists, and adventurous locals in the Golden Triangle failed to replace even a tiny fraction of downtown Pittsburgh’s regular daytime population. Ironically, while trying to fix the global economy with pomp, circumstance, and a Friday morning meeting, those who attended the G-20 Summit managed to kill many facets of a local economy for approximately 72 hours.

At a minimum, my business lost $500 in sales as a direct result of the entirety of downtown Pittsburgh being turned into a high-security international society club. Admittedly, from a global perspective the amount of money to which I am referring is not very much. However, to a business such as my own it is a staggering loss.

Look, Mr. President, my business is not “too big to fail.” The last thing I’m interested in doing is requesting a bailout. I am, however, a pragmatic and solutions oriented person. The marketers of your Presidential campaign would have me believe that you are as well. This gives me reason to HOPE this letter doesn’t fall on deaf ears.

So, here’s what can be done to remedy a piece of the collateral damage caused by your event:
~20 world leaders each spending $25 at Franktuary equals $500
~$500 approaches the amount of sales world leaders have caused Franktuary to lose
~$25 equals the cost of one Franktuary hooded sweatshirt

Logically, we can deduce (YES WE CAN!) that if 20 world leaders each purchase one hoodie from Franktuary, they will have eliminated a piece of the damage they incidentally inflicted on the micro-economy of downtown Pittsburgh.

As the host of this global convergence, perhaps it is appropriate for you to supply each of your guests with a Franktuary hoodie as a gift. In doing so you have the opportunity to take personal responsibility for helping a grass-roots business that strives to benefit its community (see previous letter), as opposed to being remembered as a high-rolling bigwig who chose to trample over it on his romp through town.

You once stated, “to every American running a small business or hoping to run a small business one day: You deserve a chance. America needs you to have that chance. And as President, I will continue to do everything in my power to ensure that you have the opportunity to contribute to your community, to our economy, and to the future of the United States of America.” Mr. President, if this is how you feel, surely you are interested in making up for one restaurant’s lost chance to do two days worth of business as a result of an event you coordinated. I challenge you to put your money where your mouth is! Clearly, a purchase of 20 hoodies is well within your “power.”

Conveniently, the Franktuary hoodie displays the phrase “Pittsburgh, PA” beneath the company logo and along the right breast of the garment. It will make a treasured keepsake for each of its recipients.

As I said, Mr. President, this is no bailout. It’s better. This is the opportunity to support a real business that has been anything but wasteful in its spending over the course of its five year history. For your convenience an order form picturing the Frankuary hoodie has been enclosed. We can work out the shipping details later.

Peace, Love, and Capitalism,
Franktuary
www.franktuary.com
412.288.0322

PS: Franktuary hoodies will look great under Sasha and Malia’s tree!

In the weeks since Mackey wrote these words a group of Whole Foods fans have committed to boycotting the store. Recently some labor unions have joined in the boycott. Whole Foods shareholders are now making noises about ousting Mackey.

I don’t know about you, but the whole situation frightens me.

It grieves me to know that I live in a country where there are people so intolerant to ideas different from their own that a man can lose his job because he dared to think and speak. Clearly, Mackey has the intellect and life-experience to develop his own opinions and, more importantly, the courage to share those opinions in a public forum.

For that he is being punished? Yikes!

I hate to break it to you, but if you’re one of the Whole Foods boycotters you’re about as far from the actual definition of the word “progressive” as one can get. To truly be progressive you’ve got to be willing to listen to constructive conversation and not fly off the handle when you find yourself in disagreement. That, my friends, is how good new ideas come to fruition.

This is not an issue akin to being for or against a war or being for or against abortion. Understandably topics such as those are polarizing. In this case, nearly everyone, Mackey included, recognizes the same problem. Everyone has the same goal; to improve the quality of healthcare in America while retarding its rapidly rising cost. The concept that all ideas intended to achieve that end are not to be heard out and treated with respect is sickening, absurd, and asinine.

Mackey may or may not be on the right track. You may or may not like Whole Foods for any number of valid reasons. Regardless, Mackey does not deserve the backlash he is currently receiving. As a business owner, I’d like to believe I have the ability to express my own well thought out opinions without losing the respect and patronage of my clientele. Now I’m not so certain.

As a wise man once told me, “the price of giving everyone a voice–those who want to shout drown out those who want to talk.”

“Dear Mr. Tobitsch,

Thank you for inviting President Obama to dine at Franktuary.

President Obama values each and every invitation he receives. However, the constraints of his schedule and the volume of requests are such that the majority must be declined. It is with sincere regret that the President will be unable to visit Franktuary.

Thank you for your interest in welcoming the President to Pittsburgh, and we appreciate your understanding.

Sincerely,

The White House Office of Appointments and Scheduling”

Did I ever tell you, by the way, that a frankfurter is a close relative of baloney?

Nonetheless, today I have a request of whomever may be reading. We at Franktuary would really like the opportunity to serve our Locavore to the globally significant people attending the G-20 Summit. In all seriousness, we think our newest menu item fits tightly with the theme of why Pittsburgh was chosen as a host city in the first place.

If anyone out there has suggestions on how to obtain the right audience for discussing this matter, we’d love to hear from you! Shoot an email to tim@franktuary.com. Free Locavore to anyone making a new suggestion that brings us to our goal!

Also, Franktuary has been active on Facebook of late. Consider yourself invited!