One thing is certain, if elected, Franktuary would advocate less forms and paperwork for all tax paying entities and individuals. It would also support lunch. After all, nutritionists say that lunch should be the largest meal of the day.

Some other things Franktuary might do:
10) Serve frankfurters from City Hall.
9) Create a suggested reading list for all interested citizens.
8) Have the city of Pittsburgh officially acknowledge a Soup of the Day.
7) Overhaul mobile food vending regulations.
6) Reform condiment waste.
5) Raise awareness about local foods and organic farming.
4) Support a woman’s right to choose sauerkraut.
3) Stand up for small businesses (see this link).
2) Require residents to practice mental math and learn a vocabulary word every morning.
1) Replace 311 with a city wide zip-line. Hey, it works in the kitchen!

Take heart. 2013 isn’t so far away.

Dear Mr. President:

As a small business owner in Pittsburgh, I was excited to learn that you had selected my city to host the G-20 Summit. I took the time to personally invite you and your delightful wife Michelle to visit my restaurant, Franktuary. Sadly, you declined. Hey, I understand, you’re a busy man!

It’s just that at the time you chose Pittsburgh to host the Summit I was naïve enough to believe that you were doing something to benefit the businesses of this city’s downtown. I thought that security and protesters would need to eat somewhere, and that somewhere might be my place. As the event approached it became clear this was only wishful thinking.

The frustrating reality is this. The hype and limited access to downtown generated by the presence of your international peers kept approximately 90% of my regular clientele away on Thursday September 24 and Friday September 25. The law enforcement officials stationed downtown, although pleasant and professional, were not permitted to take a lunch break and eat at the establishment of their choosing. The presence of protesters, tourists, and adventurous locals in the Golden Triangle failed to replace even a tiny fraction of downtown Pittsburgh’s regular daytime population. Ironically, while trying to fix the global economy with pomp, circumstance, and a Friday morning meeting, those who attended the G-20 Summit managed to kill many facets of a local economy for approximately 72 hours.

At a minimum, my business lost $500 in sales as a direct result of the entirety of downtown Pittsburgh being turned into a high-security international society club. Admittedly, from a global perspective the amount of money to which I am referring is not very much. However, to a business such as my own it is a staggering loss.

Look, Mr. President, my business is not “too big to fail.” The last thing I’m interested in doing is requesting a bailout. I am, however, a pragmatic and solutions oriented person. The marketers of your Presidential campaign would have me believe that you are as well. This gives me reason to HOPE this letter doesn’t fall on deaf ears.

So, here’s what can be done to remedy a piece of the collateral damage caused by your event:
~20 world leaders each spending $25 at Franktuary equals $500
~$500 approaches the amount of sales world leaders have caused Franktuary to lose
~$25 equals the cost of one Franktuary hooded sweatshirt

Logically, we can deduce (YES WE CAN!) that if 20 world leaders each purchase one hoodie from Franktuary, they will have eliminated a piece of the damage they incidentally inflicted on the micro-economy of downtown Pittsburgh.

As the host of this global convergence, perhaps it is appropriate for you to supply each of your guests with a Franktuary hoodie as a gift. In doing so you have the opportunity to take personal responsibility for helping a grass-roots business that strives to benefit its community (see previous letter), as opposed to being remembered as a high-rolling bigwig who chose to trample over it on his romp through town.

You once stated, “to every American running a small business or hoping to run a small business one day: You deserve a chance. America needs you to have that chance. And as President, I will continue to do everything in my power to ensure that you have the opportunity to contribute to your community, to our economy, and to the future of the United States of America.” Mr. President, if this is how you feel, surely you are interested in making up for one restaurant’s lost chance to do two days worth of business as a result of an event you coordinated. I challenge you to put your money where your mouth is! Clearly, a purchase of 20 hoodies is well within your “power.”

Conveniently, the Franktuary hoodie displays the phrase “Pittsburgh, PA” beneath the company logo and along the right breast of the garment. It will make a treasured keepsake for each of its recipients.

As I said, Mr. President, this is no bailout. It’s better. This is the opportunity to support a real business that has been anything but wasteful in its spending over the course of its five year history. For your convenience an order form picturing the Frankuary hoodie has been enclosed. We can work out the shipping details later.

Peace, Love, and Capitalism,
Franktuary
www.franktuary.com
412.288.0322

PS: Franktuary hoodies will look great under Sasha and Malia’s tree!

In the weeks since Mackey wrote these words a group of Whole Foods fans have committed to boycotting the store. Recently some labor unions have joined in the boycott. Whole Foods shareholders are now making noises about ousting Mackey.

I don’t know about you, but the whole situation frightens me.

It grieves me to know that I live in a country where there are people so intolerant to ideas different from their own that a man can lose his job because he dared to think and speak. Clearly, Mackey has the intellect and life-experience to develop his own opinions and, more importantly, the courage to share those opinions in a public forum.

For that he is being punished? Yikes!

I hate to break it to you, but if you’re one of the Whole Foods boycotters you’re about as far from the actual definition of the word “progressive” as one can get. To truly be progressive you’ve got to be willing to listen to constructive conversation and not fly off the handle when you find yourself in disagreement. That, my friends, is how good new ideas come to fruition.

This is not an issue akin to being for or against a war or being for or against abortion. Understandably topics such as those are polarizing. In this case, nearly everyone, Mackey included, recognizes the same problem. Everyone has the same goal; to improve the quality of healthcare in America while retarding its rapidly rising cost. The concept that all ideas intended to achieve that end are not to be heard out and treated with respect is sickening, absurd, and asinine.

Mackey may or may not be on the right track. You may or may not like Whole Foods for any number of valid reasons. Regardless, Mackey does not deserve the backlash he is currently receiving. As a business owner, I’d like to believe I have the ability to express my own well thought out opinions without losing the respect and patronage of my clientele. Now I’m not so certain.

As a wise man once told me, “the price of giving everyone a voice–those who want to shout drown out those who want to talk.”

“Dear Mr. Tobitsch,

Thank you for inviting President Obama to dine at Franktuary.

President Obama values each and every invitation he receives. However, the constraints of his schedule and the volume of requests are such that the majority must be declined. It is with sincere regret that the President will be unable to visit Franktuary.

Thank you for your interest in welcoming the President to Pittsburgh, and we appreciate your understanding.

Sincerely,

The White House Office of Appointments and Scheduling”

Did I ever tell you, by the way, that a frankfurter is a close relative of baloney?

Nonetheless, today I have a request of whomever may be reading. We at Franktuary would really like the opportunity to serve our Locavore to the globally significant people attending the G-20 Summit. In all seriousness, we think our newest menu item fits tightly with the theme of why Pittsburgh was chosen as a host city in the first place.

If anyone out there has suggestions on how to obtain the right audience for discussing this matter, we’d love to hear from you! Shoot an email to tim@franktuary.com. Free Locavore to anyone making a new suggestion that brings us to our goal!

Also, Franktuary has been active on Facebook of late. Consider yourself invited!

“Dear Mr. Peduto:

We at Franktuary are dismayed to hear that the plan to have skyscraper-size posters of Marc-Andre Fleury and Sidney Crosby adorn the outer-walls of Fifth Avenue Place has been ‘pooh-poohed‘ because of political ‘drama.‘ We are confident that you feel similarly.

Therefore, we present through you, a chance for the City Council and, most importantly, Mayor Luke, to experience redemption. After all, if not redemption, what is a Franktuary for? Without further adieu, I give you the plan.

It’s as simple as skyscraper-size posters of Franktuary co-founders Tim and Megan. Picture them this summer in the lofty place that Sidney and Marc-Andre should have been granted during the Stanley Cup Finals. July is National Hot Dog Month, you know. To avoid legal problems with the current billboard freeze, City Council can pronounce a temporary Hot Dog Holiday.

Instead of the Penguins logo, another recognizable Pittsburgh logo -that of Franktuary- will be prominently displayed on the Megan and Tim posters. The Reebok logo will be replaced by that of Boar’s Head Delicatessen. The phrase ‘Your Move.’ will give way to ‘Bun Nation Under God.’

We look forward to hearing from you soon as well as seeing ourselves in larger than life format in the very near future.

Respectfully your concerned citizen,
Tim Tobitsch for Franktuary
emailus@franktuary.com

PS: It is our understanding that you will not be running for mayor in the next election. We are sad, but we also understand. If you would like us to run as your “mayoral-puppets,” we would consider it.”

Also, Mayor Luke is disappointed that he might not be able to take an all-expense paid trip to Detroit to see the Penguins play on the road. The poor guy has been able to go to games for free all season but, because of the ticket value of a finals game, he’d be breaking ethics rules by accepting a free pass to watch the Penguins right now. When the going gets “tough,” apparently our mayor voices his grievances in the newspaper. After all, with a $98,000 salary he certainly can’t afford to go to a game and support the city he governs on his own.

So, back to those posters. I’ve got an alternative plan. Why not giant 40 by 85 foot posters of Tim and Megan with the Franktuary logo and the phrase “Bun nation under God”? Luke, city council, this is your second chance.

Clearly, if the democratic party takes the initiative to provide funding for Franktuarys to exist all over the nation, their politicians will no longer need to run expensive and combative campaigns. Instead, the party can simply encourage people everywhere to buy the sausage of their preference and go with the results. It’s a foolproof system that makes at least as much sense as one that employs superdelegates bestowed with the ability to overrule the will of the American people. Plus, the sausage system is good for small business!

In other news, someone attempted to break into Franktuary last night. We now have a wooden board where a window used to be. Fortunately no harm beyond that.