Typically I tell you how the aforementioned code perpetually erodes my sanity and chips away at my soul.  How it causes me to question why I continue with my business.  How it stokes my desire to live the life of a hermit deep in the woods, where trees get to be trees instead of paper spewed from the mouth of a three-headed bureaucratic monster.

When you own a small business it’s always tax season, yet April 15 still holds special significance. But you know what?  While today is April 15, it’s also Sunday.

Not a single NP-5, LS-1, 1040-ES, PA40-ESR, W-2, K-1, W-3, 1099, 1096, 1065, RCT-101, PA-65, UC-2A, UC-2, ET-1, WTE-3, WT-1, 940, 1040, 941, PA-40, PGH-40, RK-1, I-9, W-9, W-4, NRK-1, PA-65M, or 1125A is due.

In celebration, I present you with a list of my favorite things thus far discovered in 2012.  If only these were the mandatory parts of my life instead of tax compliance!

~ Stephen Potter.  This lesser known British humorist is seriously hilarious.  Seriously.  Find a copy of “The Complete Upmanship” and be very amused.
~Denise Minger and her blog, rawfoodsos.com.  Denise composes among the most thorough, well-researched, friendly, and funny writing about nutrition you can ever hope to read, no matter your dietary habits.
~Meatpaper. “We like metaphors more than marinating tips. We are your journal of meat culture.”  That, my friends, is all you need to know.
~Fun.  I learned about this band thanks to an episode of Glee.  I only wish I was hip(ster) enough to say otherwise.  Fun, indeed.
~The New York Rangers winning. A rarity in the world of sports.  Let me have my moment, Pens fans.  My Rangers roots run deep.  Surely a Stanley Cup for the second time in over 70 years is not too much to ask.
~Correct running form.  I read the book “Born to Run” and it all made sense.  And I don’t even like running.  Are you aware that some people out there are capable of winning a foot-race with a horse??
~JAPADOG.  Merges the culture of two of my favorite countries (Canada and Japan) with one of my favorite foods.  Now with a location on St. Mark’s Place in New York’s East Village.  If the beef was grass-fed I’d quit right now.

“The time needed to complete and file this form will vary depending on individual circumstances. The estimated average time is: Recordkeeping . . . 4 hrs., 18 mins.  Learning about the law or the form . . . 1 hr., 33 mins.  Preparing and sending the form to the IRS . . . . . 2 hrs., 53 mins.  If you have comments concerning the  accuracy of these time estimates or suggestions for making this form simpler, we would be happy to hear from you. See the instructions for the tax return with which this form is filed.”

Apparently I should expect that it will take me a total of 8 hours and 44 minutes to do everything necessary to properly file form 1125-A.  How many government resources went into making this estimate, anyway?  If the IRS is going to make a to-the-minute prediction, why is it prefacing its prediction with a disclaimer about how individual completion time will vary?  Is it company policy to include meaningless instructions with every useless form created?  Is this a joke?  Here’s a suggestion for making form 1125-A simpler: eliminate it.

Also, this year the city of Pittsburgh has declared that it “will no longer accept computer printouts of W-2 information.”  However, if you are an employer who needs to report W-2 information, the city will gladly accept an ASCII text file on CD-ROM or a floppy diskette.  Maybe next year the city will further modernize and begin accepting W-2s via laser disc, punch card, and the 5.5 inch floppy disk.  Sometime around 2065 I expect email submission to be rolled out.

Oh.  I forgot.  If you have fewer than 250 employees you can find original hard copies of form W-2 and fill them out by hand.  Nothing tells you the city you live in values your time like being made to copy information from a computer printout your online payroll service has generated, just so you can comply with an arcane and archaic set of requirements that make absolutely no sense.

To review:

1) The year is 2012 and the city of Pittsburgh will accept form W-2 in all of the following formats except:
A) CD-ROM
B) Burst and collated hard copy (less than 250 employees)
C) 3.5 inch floppy diskette
D) Internet submission or computer printout

2) When the process of filing form 1125-A is considered as a whole, the IRS fails to include which of the following steps in its estimation of how long it will take:
A) Recordkeeping
B) Learning about the law or the form
C) Entering a prolonged state of trance-like astonishment while attempting to grasp IRS logic
D) Preparing and sending the form to the IRS

While I’m not sure what any specific individual’s “fair-share” is, I am certain that if you measure it in terms of wasted time, aggravation, and money spent on third-party tax preparers, the powers that be owe the American people a huge refund.

“Will Social Security still be around when I retire?,” the missive proceeds to boldly query. In a convoluted response to its own question the update reads,“Yes… The Social Security Board of Trustees now estimates that based on current law, in 2037, the Trust Funds will be depleted… Even if modifications to the program are not made, there would still be enough funds in 2037 from taxes paid by workers to pay about $760 for every $1,000 in benefits scheduled.”

Only organizations with way too much power can get away with saying such ridiculous things and continue to exist.

Allow me to paraphrase, “By investing in social security you can expect to see less of a return than if you put that same principal in a basic savings account.  Not that you have a choice.  By the time you want to retire, there is a good chance we will have lost at least some of your money.  Above all, it is important that everyone in a given age group lose equally (except for that generation’s religious leaders, who can opt out completely if they so choose)!  In general, we assume you are not capable of intelligent financial planning.  We are more than your government, we are your fiduciary!  Cheers, your fair and fiscally responsible federal facilitators!”

Clearly, if I wrote a newsletter on behalf of Franktuary with a statement akin to the one the SSA has just sent me I wouldn’t have a business for very long.  “Pay for a full frankfurter today and maybe we’ll give you about three-quarters of a future frankfurter 27 years from now!  If you have any hope of eventually seeing more than three-fourths of a frank, you’ll have to pay us further installments in increasingly large amounts, as dictated by us, in the near future.  Franktuary ‘benefits’ America!”

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a choice about participating in such a poorly structured program?  You have a choice of where to eat lunch.  There’s a lot of bad food out there, but at least nobody makes you eat it.  Furthermore, if you want to eat bad food you can.  This is a good thing.  There are a lot of bad investments out there, but you’re only forced to participate in one.  I will never understand why a specific bad investment being forced upon an entire nation’s workforce is looked at as a positive by so many individuals.

After all, college students often consider their home to be nowhere near where they attend school. Colleges compete with other institutions across the country for new students. No one has to go to school in Pittsburgh. If I’m an incoming freshman trying to decide between two comparable institutions I’m going to choose the one that isn’t located in a city that taxes my tuition. If I already attend a Pittsburgh school I probably won’t transfer, but I’ll resent what the city has done to me. It won’t help me want to stay here after my academic career.

Let’s face it, in today’s world colleges are businesses as much as they are places for educating. Pittsburgh’s places of higher learning are some of the city’s strongest assets. Why compromise them?

Certainly, if I begin to collect a one percent tax on all purchases made at Franktuary while other dining alternatives charge no such fee, you, the customer, will be less inclined to choose my place for lunch. It’s as simple as that.

Like it or not, sales tax exists in a closed system. If you live in Pittsburgh, or any number of other cities, you cannot reasonably choose a restaurant where you won’t have to pay it. On the other hand, if you’re a high school senior deciding where to go to school you often have options.

Personally, I’m a fan of options. They hinder powerful forces from doing whatever they please to an otherwise hapless individual. I’d like to believe it’s not inevitable that one day schools in every city across the nation will charge a tuition tax. Now that the idea is out there, it may only be a matter of time.

Hot dogs don’t mix well with politics. It’s a fact.

Trinity Cathedral is undergoing a complete face lift in that the building is being restored to its original 1870 sandstone color. This week the crew begins work on the side of the building where Franktuary’s entrance is located. Despite this fact our doors remain open! So come on down, there’s nothing quite like a side of construction to go with your frank.

Sales tax is not a bad concept. As far as taxes go, it’s one of my favorites.

Nonetheless, every month I collect money for the government and hand it over, free of charge. Literally, on days when I make a payment, I spend part of my work day as what amounts to a government volunteer. If I pay late I get to pay extra fees. That’s okay with me, really, it is.

It’s just that if the situation were reversed, do you really believe the picture would be symmetrical?

I don’t, not for one moment.

After all, if an individual is owed money after filing his taxes, does he receive a check from the government with interest included? Certainly not! You can bet that if you make a late tax payment you’ll be paying interest to Uncle Sam. Ergo, I’m certain that if for some reason Uncle Sam decided to collect money on my behalf he’d demand to take a cut.

Do unto others…

1) Why is it that when I type the phrase “Feb 07″ into a specific worksheet in Microsoft Excel and then strike the enter key that very same cell reads “39,120″? This really happens. I don’t understand. The cell in question is not linked to anything else.

2) According to the inscription on the 16th Street Bridge, it was built in MDCCCCXXIII.

3) (Word Problem – Interdisciplinary): If Tim leaves his house on his bike at 8:19 am and Megan starts walking to the bus stop at 7:36 am, which proprietor will have the coffee ready for John by 8:31am? How much will John be charged for said caffeinated beverage? Please include State and Local Sales Tax in your answer.

Some speculate that the weather remains wintry into late April simply because we had a mild season that lasted into January. In other words,winter arrived late and is making up for lost time. My personal theory, however, is that as tax season passes so too shall this weather. The heavens weep as the bureaucrats revel.