I’ve had to pull out of the “All-Star Celebrity Softball Game” because of a nagging groin injury. The good news for Major League Baseball is that they were able to get Will Smith to take my place.

Okay, so I made all that up except for the part about the groin injury.

Right now there are snipers stationed on top of PNC Park and helicopters with huge search lights routinely fly over my apartment. Seriously.