Well guys, I’m 24 and I’ve realized I’m living the stuff of legends. What am I talking about? My quintessential bachelor lifestyle, of course. Let me give you a snapshot…

I’ve spent about $15 on groceries this month. In fact, I’ve spent more money on food for my cats than I have on groceries this month. I do eat out from time to time, but even factoring that in I think I still might be spending more on my cats. Of course, I’m working at an advantage over the typical bachelor since I own a restaurant and sometimes there are leftovers to take home.

Anyway, on Saturday I ate one meal all day, at about 5 pm, before heading off to a second job I have. That meal consisted of five hot dogs, left over from a vending gig the previous weekend, and some goldfish (the cracker variety). Like most of the meals I eat by myself, I don’t actually sit down or find use for a plate. I boiled these dogs, and once they were done, went fishing in the pot with a fork. I’d stab a dog, squeeze some yellow mustard on it, and eat it right off the fork -completely bunless- and then repeat. To finish my meal I drank water out of a tupperware container because my roommates, who don’t believe in regularly washing glasses, had all left for the weekend and I couldn’t find a clean drinking vessel.

Once finished (I washed my pot, tupperware, and fork), I skated over to Mellon Arena for work. In a twisted sense, there’s something glorious about the sequence I’ve just described to you- as long as it doesn’t last forever.