Some people love cars, and I am not some people. I don’t hate cars, mind you. In fact I’m glad I own one. It’s just that if it’s not one thing it’s another.

Today I went to affix my new Jersey plates to my vehicle. Easy, right? No siree. My bumper, which was fixed five years ago in Pennsylvania, had no place to mount the front plate. Of course, front plates are not needed in the commonwealth.

And thus my afternoon proceeds as follows:
I call a local dealer who tells me I need a specific bracket, now obsolete and unavailable, to mount my front plate. Great! I call several auto-parts stores until I find one who has a generic mounting plate. I arrive at the store and talk to a different employee who tells me that the last thing I want to do is screw something into my bumper. Apparently, a rogue screw can result in airbag detonation. Whoopie!! I return home and re-call the dealer to check on the veracity of this airbag warning. I am told I “shouldn’t” have a problem. I read online that whatever I do I SHOULD NOT use a drill to install my license plate as I may accidentally sever important electronic components. In the bumper!?!??! In the bumper.

I go to a hardware store and purchase two self-tapping screws for a buck seventy-eight. Without any sort of bracket or drill, but with great effort, I mount the plate to the bumper. There is no displaced air bag.

Elapsed time: 3 hours 37 minutes. Original time estimation: 10 minutes.

Now, my inspection is scheduled for Wednesday morning. After that I’m out of the woods.

So, from this saga, there are pertinent questions for frankfurter aficionados to consider:
1) If one drives a Wienermobile in New Jersey, where, exactly, is the front license plate mounted?
2) Is a bracket necessary when there is already a bun?
3) How many airbags are in that thing anyway?
4) If you place a screw one centimeter to the left does only hot dog shrapnel remain?