Before Franktuary opened, I was a lad with a lot of time on his hands. Now that I’m 30 I’ve been looking back on those days a little more fondly. One of the things I did with my time was to write goofy letters, which I never sent to their proposed recipients. Recently I rediscovered these letters. For some summer Franktuary “fun” I’ve decide to release a few of these letters to the general public in this right here space.
The first of these letters documents a pitch I developed for merging the cities of New York and Chicago –arguably the two most influential cities in the world when it comes to frankfurter history. More than likely, I’ll release an additional letter sometime in July, another one in August, and a final one in September. Hope you enjoy, and don’t forget to visit the store and our truck early and often during the warmest months of the year. July IS National Hot Dog Month, you know. And, if I may be so bold, every month should be National Grass-Fed Beef Month.
Dear Honorable Mayors Michael R. Bloomberg and Richard M. Daley,
People ALWAYS argue about your cities! Wrigley Field or Yankee Stadium? Vienna Beef or Nathan’s Famous? The Great Lawn in Central Park or the Great Lake Michigan? The Wyndham or the Plaza? The Sears Tower or the Empire State Building? Buckingham Memorial Fountain or Rockefeller Center? The El Train or the Subway? Al Capone or Donald Trump? South Street Seaport or Navy Pier? The Times or The Tribune? Deep dish or thin crust? Grant Park or Grant’s Tomb? Wacker Drive or Wooster Street? The Windy City or the BIG APPLE? If trends continue, things WILL get UGLY! To ensure the future peace of our nation, there is only one solution. A merger of Gotham City and the Second City is essential.
Do not take this concept lightly, Mr. Bloomberg and Mr. Daley. You have a RESPONSIBILITY to act in the best interest of your respective cities and how you HANDLE this CRUCIAL matter may very well Determine YOUR “Political Legacy.” Fortunately, as a CONSCIENTOUS citizen, I’ve developed a plan for you to implement.
We will call OUR new city Chewy Gork (the candy bar (CHICA-CHICA new Chewy Gork!) will be a “big seller”), and rest assured Mr. Mayors, each of you will remain in POWER. There will be identical 2.2 mile-high skyscrapers built in the respective China Town of each current city. A road ramp will spiral around each building, the top seventy stories of each edifice will be used for parking, and a bridge will connect the two structures. A “shinkasen,” or high-speed bullet train, will transport people across town via the bridge. We will use the entire state of Ohio as a space to erect a support structure that will make this plan architecturally feasible. Because it is Ohio, NO ONE will mind.
Time is of the essence, sirs; DO NOT underestimate the urgency of this situation. It is easy to miss the mood of a city while working in an office all day. I KNOW the climate on the street. Trust me, my plan NEEDS to happen. The very fate of our nation hangs tenuously in the balance.
Concerned in the City,