Well, my goodness. Last night Hot D***a had a song dedicated to itself at Club Cafe. If that’s not reaching new heights I don’t know what is!

There is a brand new hard drive inside of my computer and it’s about time the previously mentioned sobriety check point incident is fully explained.

Last Friday I was driving home around midnight, without a trace of alcohol in my system. I decided to head out of the Southside via the Birmingham Bridge and cut through the Hill District because it would be “faster.” As soon as I turned onto the bridge I knew I had made a gross error.

The wide multi-lane passageway that normally constitutes the Birmingham had been intentionally crippled to one lane. Traffic was at a stand still. I had seen this before, but I had never been stuck in it. Like a helpless ladybug caught in a venomous spider’s web I had turned into a sobriety check point.

After waiting nearly an hour for my close-up with one of Pittsburgh’s finest it progressed as follows:

“Good evening sir, I’m Officer _______ of the Pittsburgh Police Department. Where are you headed?” said the officer whose name I do not recall as he got extremely close to my face.”
“My home on Penn Avenue,” I replied.
“Where are you coming from?” retorted the officer.
“The Waterfront — Snakes on a Plane,” said I.
“What’s that?” remarked the officer.
“You know, the movie, Snakes on a Plane. Samuel L. Jackson…”
“No I haven’t heard of that one. Was it good?”
“Well, you know, snakes on an airplane, what can you expect?”
“Oh, I thought you meant snakes on a plain, like snakes on the savannah….”
“Nope, snakes on an airplane. It’s pretty funny.”
“An action movie is funny?”
“It’s sort of a spoof…”
“Alright sir, have a good night.”

After that conversation I thought that I’d be pulled over, drunk or not, for sure! And all the while I had a huge chocolate stain on my shirt and pants. That’s because the man sitting next to me in the theater, who I’d never met before, had a huge brownie. The first thing he did as he settled in for the film was hand me a plastic spoon and remark, “I’m not going to eat this whole thing myself.” Fortunately the stains vanished completely thanks to a product called “Shout.”

Anyway, it seems a little unfair to me to stop drivers, and potentially confiscate their vehicles, despite the fact that said drivers have demonstrated absolutely no erratic driving tendencies. Then again, I can see why it’s done. Regardless, it’s not very considerate of the average sober person’s time.

So, friends, what lessons have we learned from this saga?

1) Brownies with chocolate sauce eaten in the dark with only a plastic spoon are delicious but dangerous. Not unlike the tantalizing juxtaposition that is snakes on a plane.
2) On a weekend night in Pittsburgh, always steer clear of the Birmingham Bridge. And when you talk to cops keep it simple. It’s safer that way.