What do you get when you take talented vocalists, force them to sing played-out rock and roll, and proceed to kill what little the music has going for it by surrounding it with an insipid love story? The horrendous new musical Rock of Ages, of course!

Trust me folks, unless you’re a monster fan of bands like White Snake this is one Broadway experience you want to skip. Fortunately, I attended gratis. Traveling to the Great White Way with comp tickets for this show is a bit like being given a Locavore at Franktuary only to discover that said sausage is covered in ketchup. Really, the comparisons are uncanny.

In the case of both Broadway and Franktuary you have to go out of your way to reach your destination. You venture into a neighborhood known for being difficult to find street parking. You deal with this inconvenience and risk a ticket because the venue makes it worth your while.

Frankfurters, similar to musicals, vary immensely in quality and taste. Ketchup in and of itself, much like an 80s hair band, is not necessarily a bad thing. Used sparingly it can even be enjoyable. Yet virtually everyone knows that a frankfurter, regardless of its quality, should never be paired with ketchup. Just ask the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. Somehow the end result sinks beneath the combination’s lowest common denominator.

The only time it might be appropriate to employ ketchup is when you need to mask the taste of a really bad hot dog. Then again, if it’s that bad your best bet is simply to abstain. While you may not want to offend the cook and his crew of competent servers, certain foods are better left untouched. Well folks, the mind behind Rock of Ages really has cooked up something that bad.

You know what, though? Some people just love ketchup, no matter what. Others really dig Twisted Sister. In either case there’s a good chance such a predilection is due to a strange and powerful addiction. Nonetheless, these people have every right to listen to and eat what they please. They may be crazy but they’re not hurting anyone!

In conclusion, people everywhere should spend more time exploring rare and exotic mustards as well as listening to unique and intelligent rock and roll (take my business partner’s band, for example). And someone should pay me to write the plot of a Broadway musical. If these things happen the world will be a better place.

But hey, if you want sugared tomato paste on your musical and an order of Poison with that next frankfurter, I won’t stop you!